I can't even watch a movie in peace..

I tried to watch a movie yesterday while IR was gone off doing the church thing, unfortunately I didn't time it good enough for it to be done by the time he got back.
As soon as he walked in the door, he headed straight to the kitchen and nuked the popcorn. By the time he got back to his couch I was already getting up to go put my headphones on, leaving the movie which still had about 1/2 hour to go. True to form, he immediately started yakking at the tv, and crinchity chunchitying like a madman.
Later, he had gone up to the bunker (taking yet another bag of nuke popcorn up there with him) so I put the movie back in, intent on seeing the end of it in peace.
5 minutes after I had found my earlier exit point, he comes thumping back down, straight to the kitchen, grabs 2 fudge bars and grunts back down on his couch.
Again, I got up, went to the PC, put on the headphones and cranked up the music. Before the first song had ended I glanced back and he had already gone back upstairs and the movie had been turned off.
So, after much interruption I finally got to finish the movie, about 4 hours after I started it.

I think it's starting to sink in... Maybe...

Slowly but surely.

Tonight marked IR's "first experience with soy protein" (which he related to me upon finishing a soy burger and a whole can of creamed corn). I need to stress that it was indeed only one burger-type-thing, because 10 minutes earlier;

IR - "I think I'm gonna try those soy protein burgers tonight. They're only like, ya know, 120 calories compared, ya know, to a regular burger that's about 450." *Where he gets these numbers I have no idea.*

Me - "120? Wow, so that means you can eat at least 3 of'em for the caloric price of 1!"

IR - "Oh noooo... One will be enough." *There's that contrite look again*

And much to my shock, he did only eat the one. This is of course discounting the 2 bags of nuclear popcorn that disappeared up into the bunker earlier, and the bag that was eaten down here, followed by the big-assed bowl of Raisin Bran cereal and the granola bars.....

So maybe, juuuust maybe, some idea of what he's been doing is starting to sink in. (ie - Excusing his massive food intake with the "but it's lower calorie food" excuse. That is his way though. It's how he deals with his vices and such. Create an excuse that makes it sound 'not so bad', and stick with it. We'll see....

But these are only 35 calories!!

So, IR was ending a 5 hour marathon game of "Godzilla 2000", (his latest XBox game rental) and had gone into the kitchen to get an ice cream bar.

Upon coming back in here;

IR - "I oughta, ya know, get more of these, they're better than the other ones!"

Me - "Is there room in the freezer for another case?"

IR - "eeeeeheeeeeheeeehuurphurrrp But these are only 35 calories!"

Me - "That doesn't mean you should eat 12 at a time though."

IR - "Ohh nooooooo." (Looking very contrite)

Me - *looks disapprovingly at the small mountain of wrappers on the table next to him*

IR - *follows gaze* "Ohhhh... Well, ya know, that's been, ya know, all day."

Me - "uh huh" *shakes head and walks away*

I wonder if IR's goal is 300 pounds by the end of the year?

It seems that way at least..

Behold the freezer.



Notice that not only is the first box of the new ice cream bars all but empty (purchased this evening), but 2 of the remaining 3 boxes of fudge bars are open.
One is half empty, the other has 2 left. (12 per box) *Don't fail to also notice that the veggies haven't been touched since the first devouration.... There's one bag behind the chicken things in the tupperware.*

Ya know, SMACK SMACK, I've been meanin to ask you....

IR was gone most of the evening, he left earlier after getting all smellied up, so it must've been something important.
I went out a few minutes ago to get some Cokes, and when I came back, IR had also returned.

I made a bet with myself that he would be eating when I came in.

I won.

So, I put the Cokes in the fridge, and came over to sit down at my desk.

IR turned towards me and:

IR - "Ya know, SMACK SMACK, I been meaning to ask you... SMACK SMACK What were you thinking when they made that commercial?" *commences to get this stupidassed shit eating grin on his mug*

Me - *stares blankly for several seconds....*

Me - "What commercial?"

IR - *half points over his shoulder twice* (at the wall) "The one they made. Ya know, at work." *Note - this commercial was made about 2 months ago. This is the first he's mentioned it.*

Me - *stares blankly a little longer* "Hey, they're making a commercial?"?

IR - "eeeeeeheeeeeeh Looked like you were thinkin something."

Me - "Nope."

IR - "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHUURPHUURP"

So I went back to my own stuff..

As I typed this, he finished the steaming bowl of whatever he was demolishing amongst many, many slurpity smackitys and has started in on the fudge bars again. I'll betcha odds that he ate a dinner while he was out wherever, too...

A quick glance into the freezer revealed....

A stash of his frozen microwaveable chicken breast thingies, 12 pounds worth of frozen veggies, and 4 BOXES OF FUDGE BARS!

Getting in shape is SO MUCH FUN!!!




*Edit* Since posting this an hour and a half ago, an ENTIRE BOX of Fudge Bars is GONE, and the second has already been molested..

The Official IR Weigh In!

I got cornered in the kitchen tonight, and.....


IR - "REDENBACHEERRRRRRR"

Me - *raises eyebrow*

IR - *tosses 2 bags of microwave popcorn onto the counter*

Me - "Only 2 bags??"

IR - "Well, after eating like four bags the other day, and then, ya know, going to brush my teeth, it was like..." *makes exaggerated pantomime brushing motions while going "AAHHHH! AAAAHHHH!"* "So, I figured this time only two would be enough. That's just too much, ya know, crunchin."

Me - "Oh I know, believe me...."

IR - "At least it's, ya know, low cal. Ya know, it's funny though. I've been eating a lot more sensible, ya know, stuff, and I've actually gained weight, but I've trimmed up." *turns sideways*

Me - *Looks over at big, square beer gut, raises eyebrow once more* "Really...... Well, anytime you eat four pounds of food at a time, even healthy food, that's gonna happen. Four pounds is four pounds."

IR - "eeeeheeeeeeheeeeeeheeeeeeh...... eeeheeeeh..... hm."

My GOD that was funny....

For some reason, IR decided to try some workout stuff down here this evening.
Leaving the weights where they've been since their purchase, he layed down on the floor and proceeded to attempt sit-ups.

He sounded like an asthmatic bear takin a dump back there while he did them, but he managed to grunt out 10, count'em TEN full sit-ups, before collapsing to the floor in utter exhaustion. (applause please, he actually did them!) I do wish I'd had a way to record that audio though, it coulda been used in some horror movie somewhere.

Holy jeebus!

Man, if this is getting in shape, I'll stay exactly like I am.

So far, and I stress so far, for lunch today I've heard;

2 apples
1 pound of steamed vegetables
4 chicken tenders (microwaved)
1 pound of grapes
1 bag of popcorn
and
1 large bowl of granola cereal
consumed. That's in about a 1 hour period.
**CORRECTION!!! Add ANOTHER bowl of granola cereal onto that, and ANOTHER bag of popcorn. Holy crap!!!


ps - Whoever decided to eat the first apple needs to be cursed forever. (Ooops! Too late! muahaha)


ps- The weights still haven't moved.....

Continuing the illusion of getting in shape...

2 days ago, I came home from work to find (prominently displayed of course) a couple of leg weights and a wrist weight. They had been left sitting in my recliner, with the boxes on the desk beside the door.








They're still sitting there.


W0ot! Getting in shape is fun!

New diet/getting in shape report.

Since the last report on Tuesday;

Wednesday evening: McDonalds
Thursday evening: McDonalds
Friday evening: McDonalds
Saturday: eggs(4)-toast(3 wheat), 4 hotdogs(chili-cheese), McDonalds. Spent pretty much all day sprawled on couch smickity smackiting.
Sunday: unknown but there were 2 new bowls in the sink.

I wonder if he's even taken the tags off of his exercise stuff yet...

Not too late to take'em back..

Also, I can tell he's itching to ask why I put on my headphones and crank up the music every time he walks into the room. As he trundles out of the kitchen, he's been tending to stop and look at the player to see what I'm listening to. (It's pretty much the same thing each time. Lotsa loud, angry music. Rammstein, Bloodhound Gang, Disturbed, Dope, etc)

Bayonets... What are they for again?

I know he had to notice the loooong pause after asking this one..

IR was sprawled back there on his couch watching "We Were Soldiers" when...


IR - "Now, I know bayonet's were used for, ya know, close quarters, but ya think they were used to conserve ammo?"

Me - "........................................................................................................................................................
They were used when you were out of ammo or being overrun. How could you figure on them being used to conserve ammo?"

IR - "Oh.. Well... Ya know... I just thought they may, ya know, be used if you were running low."

Me - "Used for what? Throwing them at the enemy?"

IR - "HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE-HURPHURPHURP"

Me - *shakes head and goes back to my bidness*

30 years???

I was sitting here nice and quiet, mindin my bidness when the internet connection went dead.

Damn... I know what that means.

5

4

3

2

1

THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD

IR - "Internet locked up?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "Oh, is it, uhhh... On?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "Oohhh.. So it IS locked up!"

Me - "No, the internet doesn't lock up."

IR - "But it's not, ya know, working..."

Me - "Now you've got it."

IR - "HAHAHAHAHAAAAHAAHHAAA-HURPHURPHURP"

(Don't ask me, I call it the Hyena laugh...)

So, deciding he's going to stay down here now, he grunts onto the couch and clicks on the tv to see a "30th Anniversary of Happy Days".
It was nearing a commercial, and the announcer said, "We'll be right back to the Happy Days 30th Anniversary".

IR - "30 years? This show was on for 30 years??

Me - "........... It was introduced 30 years ago..."

IR - "OOOooohhhhh"

This is a modified (read: masked) view of what he looks like while watching tv.

IR's food stashes...

I've found 3 so far (not like I had to really 'find' them...) but there's no telling how many are up in the Bunker.

This is a new one...


This is the original one...


This is another new one..

IR Health Report for 2/1/05

Dear health journal,

I did good today. For lunch I had a large pizza from Sams Club (I usually get an extra large) and a large diet Sprite (to offset the pizza). For dinner, another double 1/4 pounder with cheese, super-sized fries (I can afford the fries since I'm only eating one burger) and a diet Sprite. I really doused the fries with Lycopene to make them more healthy for me. For dessert, I only had 12 Fig Newtons, so there's a 50% saving in calories right there over normal!
I jumped on the talking scale to see how much I've lost and it laughed, so that must be a good thing.