Idiot Roommate

Introduction

2008-10-01T10:06:00.001-05:00

Well, here's the first post. I want to thank Bad-Mojo for giving me the idea to post this stuff into a blog so that everyone could feel more secure in the fact that they're not the most stupid person on the planet. I've put up with a lot of the stuff you'll be reading here for about a year already, so a lot of utter ignorance has already been missed. First a little background.
I worked with this guy a couple of years ago, for about 6 months. I never paid that much attention to him then, but he was quiet enough. There came a point in time that I really needed help with the bills, and he happened to be around the old workplace when I mentioned that I might have to get a roommate. The rest as they say, is history. At least it'll be historically recorded here...
**Edit** I was also regaled with stories of his significant intelligence for the first month or so of his stay here. Both his own accounts, and how others had exclaimed his brilliance. You also have to understand that each and every sentance is peppered with "ya know"s, "anyway"s and "how can I say this"s. ie - "I was, ya know, walkin through the mall. Anyway, I was walkin through the, ya know, mall, and there was this.... how can I say this.. Anyway, there was this lady, ya know, and she was, well I don't remember what she was, ya know, doin, but anyway, I didn't like it."

I'll refer to the roommate as "IR" throughout this blog. (IR=Idiot Roommate)

**************************
Edit 10/10/2004

Thought I'd add a few thoughts for anyone who's just looking over all this stuff. If you go back through the archives, specifically from the beginning of the IRB, you'll see my writing style changing and evolving into what it is today.
So, please excuse my earliest (and lamest) attempts at blogging, and keep an open mind throughout this journey that the views and opinions expressed herein are mine and only represent one side of the story. IR isn't a bad guy, it's just his mannerisms and seemingly thoughtless commentary are better served in small doses, spread out over a long period of time.
*************************

Edit 10/5/2008

Enough time has passed, and with the advent of the new Idiot Coworker Blog I thought I'd bring this one back to show all the new readers that this is the second time I've had to go through this. This blog will very likely be shorter than the original as I don't think IC will be around for that long, but I'll try to make it entertaining while it lasts.
Thanks for reading!!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-06T19:30:00.000-05:00

That was it. It's all gone now.

There is nothing in my house that is not MINE.

This blog will now be closed, but it has been archived for possibly other publication.

I will maintain this domain (idiotroommate.com) in order to keep everyone who's interested as up to date as possible on the happenings of it all.

Many thanks again to all those who took the time to follow and contribute to this blog. You made it as fun as it could be.

CONTACT!!!

2005-08-03T19:29:00.000-05:00

So, IR just called me at work and....

IR - "HEY!"

Me - "Whassup?"

IR - "You changed the lock on me!" (On YOU?)

Me - "Well, you've had 3 weeks to get that stuff, and I've been waiting to use that lock."

IR - "Oh. hm. Well.. I didn't think it would be a, ya know, problem to keep the stuff there."

Me - "I waited long enough to start using that room, and clean up the living room area. 3 weeks is more than enough."

IR - "Oh, well. I didn't think you'd change the locks on me."

Me - "I didn't change them 'on you'. You don't live there anymore. Coming and going as you please time is past. That's my house now."

IR - "oh. Well.. I'll come by and get it this weekend."

Me - "No prob."

*Note* I changed the back door lock several months back, due to an ex-friend who I tried to help out by giving him a place to stay for a night. He sneakily unlocked my back door and came (broke) back in later after I was gone to work. Also sold him a car that he tore up and never paid for, but that's a whole nother story. The only reason I didn't change the front lock along with the back was that IR proclaimed it too difficult to turn a key on the inside to lock the door as opposed to turning a latch.

Beyond 2 weeks now.....

2005-07-31T19:28:00.000-05:00

And his crap is still here.

Ah well. The lock's been changed so he's gonna have to either show up when I'm here or do without. No more possibility of coming and going as he pleases. (Can't say that he ever did, but last weekend when he showed up he simply used his key and walked on in....)

Attention! Attention!

This is MY house now.

That is all.

Too good to pass up posting about...

2005-07-28T19:27:00.000-05:00

I read a few of IRs posts on one of his Christian forums this morning. The main one being about the bonehead co-worker from some months back.
He posted about how the word finally got through to his boss that IR was going to go over his head to solve the problem of the co-worker, and the boss threatening to fire IR in the process.
IR's been on this same rant for over a year now, about the co-worker 'stealing company time' by taking 15 minutes too long on a lunch break or not clocking out for it, that kinda stuff.

So I notice while reading these amusing posts on the Christian forum, that they're made on a Friday (while he's at work) and his range of posts that day go from 12pm to 1:30pm. At most they get an hour for lunch, so it seems that IR was stealing company time while posting his drivel about the co-worker stealing time.

Sweet, sweet irony, eh?

The End is Near

2005-07-26T19:26:00.000-05:00

I asked and was granted the opportunity to write one of the last posts on what has been a very successful blog. To NOR I give thanks.

NOR and I are gamers.....we have known each other since jr. high school and just happened to end up working together after 20+ years of no contact. Since that time we have played games or chatted just about every night for the last 2 years or so. I moved about the time IR came into the picture and he wasn't so bad the first 3 days or so & then he got comfortable................

What this led to was a constant bemoaning of what an IR he really was over ICQ. Every night....whine, whine, whine (if I still had the chat logs the blog could go on for a few more weeks just using old material). Tiring of the whole thing I suggested he blog about it & thus the Idiot Roommate blog was born.

One day NOR tells me to look at the counter. Hits to the site went from maybe 400 or so to over 16,000 in a matter of days. It seems that someone posted a link to it at Fark.com and alldumb.com and the cult following came about. All that was missing were the groupies.

I have experienced the IR first hand and what has been written here was the truth. NOR is pretty straight to the point....a no nonsense kind of guy so there hasn't been much in the way of embellishment on his part. I know........I have been there.

The blog has become a part of my normal nightly surfing. I have a few sites I always visit & this is one of them. While happy for NOR obtaining his freedom once again....I hate to see it end. What used to irritate me has now become part of what lifts me up each evening in the realization that I am not that bad off.

From those of us that didn't have to deal with you directly.........
IR you will be sorely missed.

posted by BadMojo

Latest update

2005-07-25T19:25:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been over a week now.

99% of his stuff is gone.

That leaves 1% (2 boxes and a ?drafting table top?, and a buncha dishware) still here.

He had this whole weekend to get it out.

He didn't.

Maybe I'll change the lock and just keep it.

Search engine queries that ended up here...

2005-07-20T19:24:00.000-05:00

Thought you all might like to see these. They're gathered from the counter stats for the IRB.

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Sigh.....

2005-07-18T19:23:00.000-05:00

Well.. IR's special day off from work for moving has nearly come to it's completion, and he's done exactly...

NOTHING.

Not a damned thing has been moved out of here today, it's all exactly where it was yesterday when he simply "didn't feel like doing it". So, I suspect Mr. Superior Work Ethic will take yet another unneccesary day off to complete his move.

*UPDATE 7/19/05*

Well, it looks like IR is happy just pulling out his stuff a little bit at a time. It took him 2 days, but he finally got all of his food out of here. Nothing else since the first day, but the food is indeed gone.

HAHAHAHA!!! This could SO be IR!

2005-07-17T19:22:00.000-05:00

Found this via www.totalfark.com

The following text is not endorsed by the owner of this website. It does not represent the beliefs, ideals nor anything else you can think of, of said owner.

ARE WE LIVING IN THE LAST DAYS?
by: bible_thumping_fool (23/M)

07/17/05 07:50 pm
Msg: 621709 of 623397
1 recommendation

ARE WE LIVING IN THE LAST DAYS?

Elvis 6:10-18 of the Holy Bible tells us how to survive the evil darkness of the last days of this world as we know it…

----------------------------

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. PUT ON THE FULL ARMOR OF GOD so that you can take your stand against Regis Philbin's schemes. For OUR STRUGGLE IS NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the SPIRITUAL FORCES OF EVIL, INCLUDING PRESIDENT GEORGE "MONKEYBOY" BUSH JR. AND DR. PHIL MCGRAW in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God (We believe "the armor of God" to which this passage keeps referring may in fact be some type of condom that was used in Biblical times), so that when the day of REGIS, BUSH AND DR. PHIL comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the BELT OF TRUTH buckled around your waist, with the PANTS OF SILLINESS pooled around your ankles, with the BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS in place, with the UNDERPANTS OF SANCTIMONIOUSNESS gently supporting your genitalia, the SCARF OF TIMIDITY wrapped around your neck, and capped off with the ASS-LESS LEATHER CHAPS OF ANGER, and with your feet fitted with the AIR JORDANS that come from the GOSPEL OF PEACE, ie. HUSTLER MAGAZINE.

In addition to all this, take up the THONG OF DERRING-DO, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one (Regis). Wear then MULLET OF SALVATION (in DEF LEPPARD) and the SOCKS OF IMPATIENCE, which is the WORD OF GOD (DEF LEPPARD).

And PRAY IN THE BANANA HAMMOCK OF RAGE on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests, including requests to win the lottery or at least have a good night at the bingo hall. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for THE ENTIRE WARDROBE OF THE GODS.”

----------------------------

Although WE ALL FALL SHORT BECAUSE GOD'S PENIS IS IMMEASURABLY LARGER THAN OUR OWN, the GOOD NEWS is that by GOD’s GRACE – through FAITH IN DEF LEPPARD -- we can have our SINS FORGIVEN, ESCAPE HELL, and spend ETERNITY IN HEAVEN with Him, and experience the pleasure of ETERNAL MINTY-FRESH BREATH, listening to the soothing SOUNDS OF YANNI.

FORGIVENESS OF SIN, SALVATION, BODY ODOR, and the Burt Reynolds movie DELIVERANCE are available FROM GOD ONLY THROUGH DEF LEPPARD FOR THE INCREDIBLY LOW PRICE OF $8.99, but TAKE HEED for this offer is for VALID FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY. DEF LEPPARD will forgive and deliver anyone from our sinful life-choices and tight pants, within 6-8 weeks upon receipt of payment, if we ask Him with a sincere repentant heart in the name of DEF LEPPARD, because the Bible says that whoever calls upon the name of the LEPPARD shall be saved (Joel 2:32, Acts 2:21, John 3:16, Harold 54:40, Leonard 24:7) and THERE IS NO WAY TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH DEF LEPPARD (John 14:6, Andruw 69:22).

Why not ask DEF LEPPARD to be your Lord & savior today to receive JOE ELLIOT'S forgiveness of all sin and escape the punishment of hell, receive deliverance from every curse and every form of spiritual oppression, including re-runs of "Full House", and receive healing from sickness & genital warts?

If you’re already saved by DEF LEPPARD, why not join me in spreading the good news of Hysteria, Pyromania, High and Dry, Def Leppard's Greatest Hits, and the latter, lesser, epistles?

Tomorrow may be too late. Later today may be too late. Hell, it might be too late in a few minutes. Don't wait, order now!

† † †

To all IRB readers and contributors....

2005-07-17T19:21:00.000-05:00

The time is ending here at the IRB, and it's been...... interesting. :)
I would like to thank everyone who chose to participate in my little project and thusly become a part of my (almost) daily routine here at idiotroommate.com.
In the midst of daily aggravation I tried to bring some humor to my writings, I hope I succeeded.

So, to everyone who enjoyed thier time here;

THANK YOU!!

And to everyone who might've been offended, digusted or otherwise 'put off' by this blog;

PISS OFF!!

There will be a final post later tonight after the move is complete.

I'll see you all then!!

*Update*

Well, here it is 7:15pm and no sign of the IR. I suppose he's gonna wait until tomorrow (taking another day off of work, no thanks to his far superior work ethic), to move his stuff while I'm at work.

That's a-okay with me!!

Bunker Clearing in Progress!!!

2005-07-16T19:19:00.000-05:00

Can I get an AMEN!!

WHAT THE HELL???

2005-07-15T19:18:00.000-05:00

Not a single box packed... Sprawled out on his couch watching TV.

NOT PACKING...

NOT MOVING...

NOT GETTING THE FARK OUT!!!

What the hell is going on here?!??!?!

*Note* After some consideration, I believe he's waiting until the last possible minute of this weekend before beginning his trek outward. It only stands to reason that he's got to eat all of the food he's got squirreled around here so he doesn't have to pack all 3 truckloads with him.

*UPDATE 16 July, 2005*
Well, that was interesting. IR got up early this morning and prepared to leave. He got in his car, pulled it over to the dumpster and tossed out 6, count'em, 6 McDonalds bags. Then backed up to the door, came inside and got his nasty old comforter that he sprawls on while on his couch saying "I'm gonna need this."

??? Dunno what he'd need that for, but whatever floats his boat.

3rd and final in a series...

2005-07-14T19:16:00.000-05:00

This is what you've been waiting for, you just didn't know it... ;)

The (In)famous IRB is proud to present...

THE FEEDING HABITS OF THE IR - Link Removed

In .ZIP format, right click/save as. File is in SWF (Shockwave) format
after unzipping.

In this short clip, you'll see the IR in his natural state.. Eating.
You'll see him wadding up a Hershey's Kiss wrapper while smacking on it,
then tossing it onto MY end table, followed by a bit more smacking,
some scratching and teeth sucking, then reaching for another one.

2nd in a series

2005-07-12T19:14:00.000-05:00

LINK REMOVED... The MOVIE!

Please right click/save as.

First in a short series...

2005-07-11T19:12:00.000-05:00

This, is the infamous IR.

The pic has had a few effects added to it to protect his identity.

This picture was taken while he was watching tv, by my daughter who was trying to be "sneaky".

Chocolate....

2005-07-11T19:10:00.000-05:00

So IR was down here watching tv earlier, and during a commercial break he thudded his way upstairs to grab a bag of smackage.
Once back down here, he wrestled with the small plastic bag for about a minute before he got it open. At about the time he got the 4th or 5th treat into his face, a commercial came on for the "Chocolate Factory". This is a little fondue type set that melts chocolate so you can have sweet little treats. While the commercial is playing...

IR - "Hey! Yeah everybody, put on 100 pounds this year! eeeeheeeeeheeeeeheeeeeh"

Me - *Glances over at him, then at his bag o'treats, which is full of......

*Hersheys Kisses.*

IR - *Noticing the glance* Oh. Hm. Well. *shrugs and opens another one*

Me - "sigh" *shakes head and goes back to what I was doing*

Now THAT was interesting....

2005-07-10T19:08:00.000-05:00

Got home a little bit ago, and IR was all sprawled out on his couch again, smacking away on a big bag full of something.
My daughter asks...

10yo - "Is this Saturday?"

Me - "Nope, it's Sunday."

10yo - *turns to IR* "You went to church today?"

IR - "uhhhhh, yeah."

10yo - "What are you anyway? I haven't been Christened or... ummm... What's the other one... ummm

IR - *Breaking in the middle of the "umm"* "Oh, here it is!" *half-pointing to TV showing the cartoon that was on, restarting after commercial.*

Now, I have to wonder what reasoning he used to himself for weaseling out of the question?
I mean, the desperation to get out of answering was palpable.

Mega snackage and topping off...

2005-07-08T19:06:00.000-05:00

Tonight was another night that the smacking was incredible.

IR got home about the same time I did, and had gone shopping, cause he had 3 big bags of groceries and a bag of food from the local po-boy joint.
All the bags were dropped by his couch as he settled in for major scarfing. Opening the big styrofoam container, he revealed a large cheeseburger po-boy and large fries. (This of course, after he proclaimed on one of his christian forums how he avoided red meat due to all the fat. Let's not forget the McDonalds dinners 2-3 nights a week either....) So, I get to hear that whole mass of food being massacred, then before the container is closed, he dives into one of the department store sized bags and pulls out the biggest bag of cheetos I've ever seen... EVER.
After an hour or so and mega crunching and smacking he rolls up the top (it's now about half gone, and that's a 2 or 3 pound bag) and reaches down into another bag pulling out a big box of oatmeal raisin cookies then GRUUUUUNTS up off the couch and heads into the kitchen to make a barrel o'chocolate milk.. Before 1/2 hour has passed, the box is half empty and the choco-milk has been REFILLED and emptied again. Between smacks and chatting with the tv, he tells me...

IR - "I guess this is my last, ya know, gasp of food like this since when I, ya know, ummmm, move into my own place it'll be like a, uummm, sin not to go to the gym."

Me - "Oh I'm sure...."

Here's how much I know about his smackity habits. Every bit of it is more than anyone would ever want to know about it.

Crunchy snacks
He crunches each bite open mouthed for 3 crunches, then settles down to smacking each one for 3 more before stuffing another one in his face. A window rattling smack signals the opening of the maw in preparation for the next bite. After each third one, he swallows.

Chewy snacks
Open mouth chewing for the duration.

Snacks mixed with liquid (cereal and such)
3 serving spoonfuls in the cavern at a time, closed mouth for 3 or 4 munches, then swallowing of liquid, then open mouthed slurpity smacking until it's time for the next shovel full.

Someone shoot me.

BOXES!!!

2005-07-04T19:05:00.000-05:00

BOXES!!!

We've got boxes outside the bunker!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!

Is there no escape??

2005-07-04T19:04:00.000-05:00

At 10am this morning, IR came down with a bucket of CHOOOOOOS™ and started scarfing.

Apparently, the box of BIG Cheezits that's already down here wasn't enough. (Regular Cheezits just aren't BIG enough I guess..)

And, the entire famly sized package of frosted oatmeal cookies that was down here last night, is empty.

10am... smickity smackity snarf scarf

Gimme a break!!

Black lights = ultra violet lights?

2005-07-02T19:04:00.000-05:00

*Can you tell he was down here almost all evening?*

So, I came in the door earlier and was immediately assaulted with....

IR - "So, black lights, that's, ya know, ultra violet light, right?"

Me - "....err"

IR - "So you're sayin that black lights are the same, ya know, thing that, ya know, ruin your car's paint during the day?"

Me - *walks back out the door*

Paul McCartney?

2005-07-02T19:03:00.000-05:00

IR is watching that "Live 8" thing...

IR - "Was Paul McCartney, ya know, in Sgt. Pepper?"

Me - "Yeah."

IR - "oh."

Me - "That was the Beatles."

IR - "OOOOOOhhhhh... I thought it was, ya know, *mumble* two *mumble* bands."

*rolls eyes*

Can you see my car?

2005-07-02T19:00:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting here putting placemarkers in the new Google Earth, and IR pipes up from his couch...

IR - "Terraserver?"

Me - "Nope. Google Earth."

IR - "Ooooohhhh... Google Satellite Maps?" *What, does he think I wouldn't know the name of "Google Satellite Maps"??*

Me - "No. Google Earth."

IR - "Ooohhh.. I see... It's an application?"

Me - "Yup."

IR - "Internet based?"

Me - "Yup."

IR - "hm."

*a minute passes - I'm looking at the aircraft boneyard in Tucson Arizona*

IR - "That's a pretty big airport."

Me - "It's an aircraft graveyard."

IR - "eehheeeeeheeeeeeeHURP HUURP Fulla MIGs, huh?"

Me - "Nope. Mostly American military aircraft."

IR - "Oh. hm. Where's that?"

Me - "Tucson Arizona."

IR - "hm. hm. Wonder why they put it there?"
*Why would anyone care?*

*another minute passes - Marking the White House now...*

IR - "So, can you, ya know, find this building?" *My townhouse*

Me - "Oh yeah, I've already looked at it."

IR - "Ohhhhhh.. So, you can, ya know, see where my car is?"

Me - "......... It's mostly year old or better satellite images, not live."

IR - "Ooohhhhhh... hm."

Cheese sticks?

2005-06-28T18:59:00.000-05:00

So, my daughter is sitting at the table eating dinner (Kid's Meal - Taquitos, corn, cheese dip and pudding)...

IR - "hm. Cheese sticks?"

10 yo - *look on face that says "What are you, stupid?"* "Taquitos"

IR - "Oh, cheese filled?"

10 yo - "No, it's got cheese dip, see?" *points to cheese dip*

IR - "No, I mean, are the sticks filled with cheese?"

10 yo - "I wouldn't need cheese dip if they were filled with cheese...." *rolls eyes*

IR - "........"

Me - *at desk with hands over my face* "snicker"

10 year old ownage, revisited.....

2005-06-27T18:58:00.000-05:00

I was in the kitchen putting away the days groceries, IR was splayed out on his couch flipping channels like a madman.
As soon as I came back into the room, he yells out...

IR - "JADE!!!!"

Me - *glances over to where he's half-pointing at the television and there is the Home Shopping Network, and they're showing a necklace and pendant that clearly states in bold letters at the bottom of the screen "Genuine Turquoise Pendant".*
*goes back into kitchen*

10-yo - "OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo.... A turquoise pendant!"

IR - "Yeah well, that's jade. See the green?"

10-yo - "No it's not, it's turquoise. See it says "Genuine Turquoise Pendant" right there." *points at screen*

IR - "Oh. hm. Well it looked like, ya know, jade."

10-yo - "All you hadda do was read the description."

*Insert GUFFAW from kitchen here*

Cleaning the bunker....

2005-06-27T18:57:00.000-05:00

Well, last night was the first night of the rest of IR's stay here. He began cleaning up the bunker, starting with 4 loads of clothes.

On one of the trips downstairs for the clothes, he made himself 3 jelly on wheat sandwiches (Yup, JELLY on WHEAT. No peanut butter... On WHEAT. EW!), a bowl full of chili and a HUGE convenience store mug of chocolate milk to take back up with him.

After a short while, I heard the vacuum cleaner being run for the second time since he's been here.
Following that, DTS with 3 bags of trash.... After seeing all this, I just can't imagine how one would even move around in that little bunker with all that stuff in there. Think about it..

10x12 room with a bed, 2 computer desks, 2 chest o' drawers, refridgerator and entertainment center. Add to that 4 loads worth of dirty clothes, 3 bags of trash and his beer belly. (Yes, it's still VERY much there...).

How, I ask you... HOW?!?

The truth finally comes out....

2005-06-25T18:56:00.000-05:00

A week late, but he finally came forward..

IR - "So, I uhh.. Guess you heard that I, ya know, have been lookin for another, ya know, place to stay."

Me - "Oh yeah, heard that about a week ago from the landlord."

IR - "eeeheeeheeeeh Well, yeah. She said that she, ya know, called you about it. Anyhow, I found a place that has, ya know, utilities and extended cable included."

Me - "Good deal. Is the rent decent?"

IR - "$620 a month."

Me - "Pretty good with all the stuff included."

IR - "Yeah, all I gotta get is cable internet and I'm set. I'll have 2, ya know, refridgerators and 2 computers so it'll be nice to be able to crank down the AC without, ya know, worrying about the bill."

Me - *losing interest* "I imagine so."

IR - "Anyhow, you should, ya know, look into it. It's quite a deal."

Me - "Nope. I'm not moving again unless I have to."

IR - "hm."

Soooo... On the 15th of next month my place becomes "my place" again.

WOOOOOOT!!!

ps- I wonder how much stuff he's gonna expect me to move for him?

The IRB may be nearing it's conclusion....

2005-06-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

Got a call from the landlord today asking me when IR was moving out. Not knowing what she was talking about, I replied in the negative. I then asked what gave her that impression, and she informed me that she had gotten a phone call from someone asking about a reference for him. The only reason anyone would call her for a reference would be for a place to live.

I'm wondering if/when I'll hear anything about this, or if I'll just come home one day to an emptied out bunker.

We'll see!!!

Update 6/16

Indeed, the IR is leaving. Don't have a date yet, but it should be soon. Upon his exit, the following will take place.

1) Popcorn will be forever banned from my premises.

2) The Bunker of Light will receive a thorough cleansing.

3) I will NEVER have another roommate.

Update 6/17

I just realized that there is a very likely piece of this puzzle sitting on the desk by the front door that I hadn't put in place until now.

IR's drivers license.

It's been sitting there for a week, and at first I thought he must've gotten a duplicate or something. Now I'm betting that he has a new one with a new address on it.

Update 6/18

Still nothing from IR directly about this, but the landlord verified that he is indeed moving out.

hehe.. I wondered why he's been holed up in the bunker for the last 3 weeks. In true IR fashion, I'll ask about it like so..

Me - "hm.. hm. Vacation?"

Update 6/19

Well, IR was down here most of last night watching Animal Planet. It seems to be his favorite station, just like my 11 year old, and a friend's 6 year old. He didn't say a word about the moving thing, but I did notice that a good bit of his stuff down here has been picked up and moved apparently to the bunker. (Why he would move stuff from downstairs to upstairs in preparation to move it downstairs and out is beyond me...)

Slow bloggage for the last couplea weeks...

2005-06-11T18:52:00.000-05:00

Mainly due to the fact that IR has been "bunker bound" during this time period, only venturing outside the bunker for brief forages, or simply grabbing some chow and bringing it upstairs.

I believe I've seen him 4 times total in the last 2 weeks or so.

Can anyone gimme an AMEN!

Yes, it sucks for the blogging business, but I'm lovin it! He seems to have finally found a true replacement for Evercrack, namely "Guild Wars". It consumes his very existance, to the detriment of his apparently now "ex" bible study group and "ex" church.

Ah well, that is the way of the IR. Once he finds something to obsess over that's better than the last thing he obsessed over, off he goes.

Let's see how long this one lasts.
So far, he's been playing for about a month all total, but for the last couplea weeks that's been all he's done.

Sometimes.......

2005-06-04T11:48:00.000-05:00

It just doesn't pay.

Actually, most of the time it doesn't.

I got to looking through all of my daughter's stuff in the freezer and realized that a great deal of it was microwave stuff. Crap, so you know what that means.

Off I go to Wal-Mart to buy a damned microwave.

I find a small one and bring it home. I walk in the door with it and there's IR sitting on the couch smacking away at a mouthful of gum.

IR - "Microwave broke?"

Me - "Well, yeah...... It's been sitting there in pieces for 2 days. You didn't notice?"

IR - "Well, I hadn't, ya know, needed to use it or anything."

Me - "hm." (I love doing that from time to time...)

I go into the kitchen and start putting the old one back together to move it, and....

IR - "Well, ya know, I kinda thought you were just, ya know, cleaning it so get the popcorn smell out of it. If I'da known it was, ya know, broken I woulda got mine from Denham."

Me - *so he DID notice that it was out of action* "Doesn't matter now, really. But this one is going to remain popcorn free."

IR - "Oh, well, yeah."

RAPTURE!!!!!!!1

2005-06-02T11:47:00.000-05:00

IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE!! THE RAPTURE HAS COME!!!
REPENT YOUR MANY SINS!! COME BEFORE THE LORD LEST YE BE LEFT TO WALLOW IN THE PITS OF HADES!! VERILY IS YOUR SOUL IN DANGER OF BEING LOST!! BRING YOUR SOUL TO GOD BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! THE LAKE OF FIRE AWAITS ALL SINNERS!!

REPENT UNTO YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR!! REPENT AND BE REDEEMED UNTO HIS EYES!!! PERISH NOT IN THE DECREPIDNESS OF SATAN'S RAVENOUS CLAWS!!

_ _ _..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _..._ _..._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _..._ _ _ _ _ _ _!!

/fill in the blanks.. :)

Well, he's back.

2005-05-30T11:47:00.000-05:00

Seems there was a relative's graduation he had to go to, that took 5 days. All I can ask is, "When's the next one???!!??"

He arrived in fine fashion, with a double quarter pounder and xtra-large fries.

This evening, he downed a plate of jambalaya and potato salad, followed by a bowl of chili and 3-4 slices of bread, followed by 3 granola bars, followed by gum.

Yup, he's back.

4th day.....

2005-05-28T11:46:00.000-05:00

For the past 4 days I've been:

IR free.

Popcorn free.

GRUUUNT free.

Stupid question free.

"hm" "ya know" and "anyhow" free.

Where is IR? I dunno. I guess I'll find out whenever he gets back.

Early morning trial......

2005-05-24T11:45:00.000-05:00

I got time enough for this one, since it's 6:40am or so...

Yesterday, the A/C went out. I called the landlord and left a message on her answering machine.
She didn't call back until about 9:30pm.
During the evening and then this morning, this is what I've been subjected to.....

(Evening)
It's 80 degrees downstairs, which means it's likely 90 or so upstairs. 20 degrees hotter than normal.

IR - *DTS and stands in front of the thermostat* "Damn, this thing isn't cooling very well." *Fiddles with switches to no effect.*

Me - "It's been broken since before I got home. It was 78 when I walked in the door. I checked the outside unit, and it isn't working at all."

IR - "Oh. Didja call the, ya know, landlady?"

Me - "Yup, she gave me the number of the guy she uses so I can call in the morning."

IR - "hm." *Tromps back upstairs*

IR - *DTS about 1 hour later - 11:00pm Stops and stares intently at thermostat again. Mutters to himself, sorta...* "hm. 83 degrees, and it's on cool, and auto. hm." *Note* Already knowing that the outside unit wasn't working, I had turned off the "cool" part and left only the fan running. In IR's earlier jaunt downstairs he had turned it back on expecting it to miraculously work, probably due to some obscure prayer of his.*

(Morning)

I'm already up, it's still 83 degrees in here, and it's about 6:30am.

IR - DTS and, "Any idea when they're gonna show up?"

Me - *remembering last night's exchange. IR - "Oh. Didja call the, ya know, landlady?"
Me - "Yup, she gave me the number of the guy she uses so I can call in the morning."* "How would I know that?"

IR - "Oh.. hm... *mighty confused look* Thought you were gonna call."

Me - "Not at 6:30 in the morning."

IR - "ooooooohhhhhhhh"

Me - *shakes head tiredly*

Just a quick note....

2005-05-23T11:45:00.000-05:00

To apologize for missing the IRB 1 year anniversary on May 01, 2005.

Christ, has it been that long?

Due to recent developments

2005-05-13T11:44:00.000-05:00

The IRB will have to be put on hold for a little while.

This may take a while, but I'll be back as soon as possible.

Rules during break time.

No wild parties. (Put down that paintgun Soneji)

Feed the dog.

Shave PoorBastidge's back.

That last one oughta keep all of ya busy and out of trouble for a while.... PB is crafty..

The Simpsons!

2005-05-09T11:43:00.000-05:00

If anyone saw the Simpsons last night, you got a little taste of IR in action.

Just change Homer to "IR" and away you go!

Oh just shut UP......

2005-05-07T11:42:00.000-05:00

So, I got home from work today at about 3:15pm.

Had about 30 minutes of peace before Mr. Lying-In-Wait-To-Annoy-Me comes creaking down the stairs.

So here I'm sitting in my bright blue work shirt and tan pants (standard attire), I've been gone for 5 hours, and.....

IR - *mighty confused look* "Did you go to work today?"

Me - *mighty annoyed at his stupidity look* ".................."

IR - "Oh. hm."

He then proceeds to go into the kitchen for what is likely his 3rd or 4th bowl full of "something" of the day, sit behind me and slurpity smickity himself into low caloric heaven. Oh, and talk to the TV too....

Well, that was interesting....

2005-05-04T11:41:00.001-05:00

IR just bolted downstairs after a somewhat loud exchange upstairs on his cell phone.

GRUUUUUUNTing down on the couch, he flips on the tv and jumps to an apparently pre-determined channel.

On this channel was an interview by a reporter with a guy that wrote a book that (from the sound of it) was being pilloried quite harshly by the Christian religious fanatics in the world. It had something to do with the "end days", "Rapture" or whatever you'd like to call it.
In this interview the reporter was asking some pretty direct questions about what this guy believed in regards to all this.
The answers he got were indecisive at best. "Some people think this, and some think that."

Well DUUH. Ya don't say?!?

IR watched until the commercial came on, GRRUUUUUNNNTTTed back up off the couch with an "OKAY!" and bolted back upstairs.

I've decided.....

2005-05-04T11:41:00.000-05:00

After hearing it from a friend, and having the thought pass through my noggin a couple of times, that IR is obsessive compulsive.

The signs are all there and plain to even untrained monkeys like myself. He gathers a little interest in something that immediately snowballs into a full blown obsession.

He spent, I think it was 6 years playing Evercrack every single night. (Yeah, that's sad enough, isn't it?)
Since then, every game he's gotten that he liked in the least bit got ALL of his attention until something else came along. (Much to the chagrin of his church and bible buddies, I'm sure...)
The whole religious thing. (remember, we're in the "end days" right now, the anti-Christ is among us, etc...)
The fingernail thingie...
One word... Popcorn. (Does anything more really need to be said?)
Well, food in general. He's got enough around here to maintain the US Army in Iraq for a week.

I'm sure there's a bunch more that I don't know about (and don't care to).

Hair dryer???

2005-05-03T11:38:00.001-05:00

So, IR happened downstairs the other night and stopped by the couch where this
was sitting. Looking down he asks...

IR - "Is that uhhhhhhh.... Hair dryer?"

Me - *turns to follow gaze, then looks back up at him incredulously and speechlessly*

10yo saves the day - "Hair dryer?" *incredulous look comparable to my own* "No, it's a toy gun for my Nerf game on the computer."

IR - "Oohhh.. hm. ......hm. *still examining it as if it's a satanic concoction* "Looks like one of those blow dryers."

*Note - It hasn't been moved or touched since this exchange. It's exactly as he saw it.

Yes... I laughed...

2005-04-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

I was informed a few minutes ago that...

IR - "Well, according to the, ya know, scales at the "Y" I've lost 1 whole, ya know, pound. I'm not surpised though since with all my, ya know, working out it's being replaced."

Me - "..................... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!"

What's it been, a couplea months? 1 POUND?? And just a few weeks ago he exclaimed that indeed he HAD lost weight. But, I guess a single pound does count...

Piddling?

2005-04-25T11:37:00.000-05:00

I was told tonight that IR got his review at work and received a whopping .35 cent raise!
(That oughta tell you a little about who's work ethic is proper over there, eh?)

Being none to pleased about this development, he informed me that he was now going to go "piddle" with his resume.....

Again.....

For the 3rd or 4th time since he got this job......

Some brain recharging may be in order.....

2005-04-25T11:36:00.000-05:00

IR was in the kitchen last night for one of his half dozen or so snacks, when he picked up my battery recharger and....

IR - "This'll work with, ya know, regular batteries, right?"

Me - "Nope, rechargeables only."

IR - "hm. hm.. I wonder when they'll make one for regular batteries...."

Me - "......."

Yesterday.... A day of Horrors!

2005-04-24T11:36:00.000-05:00

Ohhhhhhh.... What a ruined day. Fortunately I had to work for 5 hours of the day so I missed some of it, but once I got home..................

IR decided to clear out all remnants of his "old life". Meaning, he went through all of his old saved crap and threw away most of it. Now, he could've simply brought the trash can upstairs and done it, but nooooooooooo... He had to bring all his crap down here armload after armload to sift and destroy it. And can you guess what my afternoon was like?

Here's a hint...

IR - "You gotta see this!"

IR - "Ever seen one of these?"

IR - "eeeeheeeeheeeeh I had forgotten about this."

IR - "BHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAAHURPHURPHURP! Check this out!"

IR - "Ahh, here's my old _________________"

All...

Fuckin.....

Day......

There's just no reason there....

2005-04-22T11:35:00.000-05:00

No common sense kinda reason at least..

For the second night in a row, IR got home later than usual and carrying a Bag-O-Doom from McDonalds. (Both bags contained double quarter pounders, xtra large fries and drink)

His reasoning for it being "okay" to eat that slop?

"At least I worked out."

You may ask what it is about this that grates on my nerves so badly.....

It's that it's just another thing in a looooooong list of things that he chooses to do half-assed. In fact, the list isn't just long, it's complete. It's everything. The only thing, the ONE thing that he takes to completion..... Is eating.

That's it.

There is nothing else.

Even his "Faith" is greatly flawed. He talks as if his every waking moment is devoted to God, to pleasing Him and being a faithful servant to the Great, Glorious and Almighty Father.

But he only acts it when it suits him. He skips about every other church day, has forsaken his bible study group (found out that's what Tuesdays were all about), and spends most of his free time playing superhero in a video game. (Besides eating)

It can be quite maddening....

Revelations.... Queer or ironic?

2005-04-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

Well, IR decided to come down here to watch tv tonight. Unfortunately, the movie "Revelations" was on....

IR - "So, do you think it's queer, or ironic, that they made a movie called Revelations during the end of days?"

Me - "........... End of days? You mean within the movie?"

IR - "No! We're, ya know, in the end of days right now! I was just reading of a prophecy that fortold mwah mah mah mwah mwah mwaaahhhh...."

^^ (Charlie Browns' teacher again...)

The fitness guru IR lets me in on a trade secret....

2005-04-19T11:34:00.000-05:00

I came in tonight to find IR sitting at the table chowing on a double quarter pounder, extra large fries and an extra large drink. This being the second time in 3-4 days that I've seen this I had to ask.....

Me - "Health food again, eh?"

IR - "eeeeheeeeeheeeeeeh Yeah, but at least I worked out."

Me - *stopping dead in tracks* "Wait, you mean you worked out, then stuffed yourself with 4-500 calories?"

IR - "Well, SMACK SMACK, I only had about 200 calories during lunch, and my workout burned, ya know, uhhhhhh..... About 500 or so, so this shouldn't be too bad."

Me - *shaking head trying to clear out the funky logic* "So you're..... 300 calories behind, for the day?"

IR - "Something like that, well, I say behind, but really it's more of a minus."

Me - *looking at massive burger* "Not anymore it's not...."

IR - "eeeeeheeeeeeheeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeh smickity smackity slurpity"

Ok, the fingernail thing is getting wierd....

2005-04-17T11:32:00.001-05:00

I don't believe that I've ever run across a male with such a propensity for odd obsessions.

The latest (in a long and distinguished list) appears to be the fingernails.

Behold the cleaning, clipping, buffing, polishing and PAINTING utensils of the IR..

Jesse McCartney, famous son of.....?

2005-04-16T11:31:00.001-05:00

So, Disney channel was on and they were playing a Disney music video by Jesse McCartney.

IR - "I don't know why he bothers with this, it's not like his father isn't going to leave him millions."

Me - "What? His father?"

IR - "Well, yeah. He's a, ya know, McCartney."

Me - *rolls eyes* "Not from that line of McCartneys....."

IR - "oooooooohhhhhh"

Me - *shakes head*

sigh Again with the clipping of the fingernails....

2005-04-16T11:29:00.001-05:00

I had to call down IR again tonight for the fingernail clipping crap. (He actually hadn't done it for quite a while, but that's not the point.)

Tonight, he snipped one off, zinged it across the room and hit my child with it. She yelped and I turned around to IR giggling and saying

IR - "That, was a fingernail!"

Me - *disgusted look* "Take the damned fingernails elsewhere to clip'em!"

IR - *very contrite look, then goes back to filing and buffing his fingernails*

I told him a while back when we had the first run-in with this, that if one of them ever hit me that I would hit him. Too bad I remembered that statement too late to really do anything about it

A matter of trust?

2005-04-16T11:28:00.001-05:00

Interesting development this morning...

IR got up early for a Saturday (8:30am), went outside and started taking stuff out of his car.
Jesus books, bibles, a 10 pack of steno pads, assorted packages of snack materials, all kinds of stuff.
I had to ask what was going on, and.....

IR - "Well, I gotta, ya know, go get my oil changed, but instead of taking it to, ya know, like Walmart or somewhere where I can't, ya know, trust them not to overfill it, I'm gonna take it to this guy I've been going to since he opened cause I can, ya know, at least trust him to get the job done right."

Me - "But why are you taking everything out of your car? Aren't you going to wait on it?"

IR - "Well, just in case he's got a line waiting to be, ya know, serviced."

Me - "You've got someone coming to pick you up in that case?"

IR - "Oh noooo. They've got a waiting room."

Me - "........." *shakes head and walks away*

So, in summary, IR's going to get his oil changed at a place he trusts, but he's going to take everything out of his car in case they maybe forget to be trustworthy and steal something while he's in the waiting room.

No farkin WAY!!!!

2005-04-05T11:27:00.000-05:00

It's 7:45am Tuesday morning.

Guess who just tromped downstairs and headed out the door at a steady trot?

*wait for it.....*

HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA
HHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA

I think in his newly rediscovered gaming intensity IR forgot to change his alarm clock!
He spent all night up in the bunker again, only coming downstairs long enough to nuke more #$%%^&^&* popcorn and almost run it back upstairs!

This should be somewhat funny....

2005-04-03T11:25:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking that IR doesn' t know that the time changed last night. (Moved forward one hour.)
He came down tonight for his nightly 9:30 feeding, only it was 10:30. It's now about 11pm, and he's normally gone up to the bunker by 10pm.

Should be interesting in the morning to see him come down to go to work at 7:45 instead of 6:45, being 45 minutes late for work already..

What? You think I should tell him?

OOOooppps... Too late, he just creaked his way back up to the bunker.. MUAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAA!!!!

ps- I need to point out that he has spent quite literally 2 full days up in the bunker (missing church and everything) playing one or several of his new games. I only saw him come downstairs twice, (to eat) leading me to believe that he has at least one BIG food stash up there.

**UPDATE**
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
It's now 7:05am Monday morning. I don't hear any stirring from upstairs. Now, you may be asking why I find this so funny. It's not that he's late, it's that he's late because he's an IR.
Last night, he came downstairs and made that #$%^&&^* popcorn again. Meaning, of course, that he used the microwave. The correct time was clearly showing on the digital readout on the touchpad. There's also a big clock on the wall by the door that he walked past 3-4 times that showed the correct time. He was on his computer all day, which I know automagically adjusted the time, but in his IR-ness he missed all this.
I just heard the first stirring.... (It's 7:15 at this point) 1/2 an hour from now he'll be thudding down the stairs to ask "Up early?". Yeah, a typical "Here's your sign" question, to which I'll have to answer "Nope, I'm always up at this time." I'll betcha I get a "hm." in response.... hehehe

**UPDATE part 2**
Well, I was wrong about what would be said upon IR's arrival downstairs. Initially, it wasn't anything. He thudded downstairs, grabbed his keys and went straight out the door. I heard the key in the lock, then again and the door re-opened.

IR - "uuhh.. Wasn't this weekend.... uuhhh.... time change?"
*Apparently he noticed the difference in the amount of light outside.*

Me - "Yup"

IR - "So, then, what time is it, ya know, really?"

Me - *Looks at clock* "10 till 8"

IR - "Oh good grief!" *Shuts door*

Sometimes, life can be good......

Experiment night!

2005-04-02T11:22:00.001-06:00

So, IR decided to come down from the bunker tonight at 11 pm and eat himself into a coma. I don't know what all he had because I left as soon as I heard the first can being opened.
But, I came back in later and he was splayed out on his couch, looking quite drowsy. I sat down at my desk and fired up one of my games (with headphones) and played a bit. About an hour later I pulled off the headphone to hear....

IR - "zzzzZZZZZz ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzscromp..smack...ZZZZZzzzz"

Along with the TV still goin strong.. The wheels started turning and I decided this would be a good time for a little experiment.
I went into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of "Gripz", tiny little Cheezit's. Coming back to my desk, I ripped it open, poured a small handful out and popped'em home.

Me - "crinch crunch crunch smackity smack smack, etc etc"

IR - "ZZZZZZZzzz zZZZZZz zZzzzzzZZZZZZ"

Me - "hm." *another mouthful* "CRUNCH CRINCHITY SMACK SMICKITY, etc"

IR - "ZZZZZzzz.... mmmmmmph... GRRRRRUUUUUUUNNNNTTTTTT" *up off couch*

IT WORKED!!! Even the SOUNDS of food will bring him out of a low caloric, high poundage induced comatose condition!!

I amaze myself sometimes... :b

Lonely? Desperate? Moronic?

2005-03-31T23:12:00.000-06:00

IR has once again started pestering me to play an online game with him.
Yesterday, he tried to get me to install "Age of Mythology", by comparing it to "Rome:Total War". Not hardly, skippy....
Problem is, I've played one online game with him in attendance. As a team player, or 'squaddie', he sucks. He just ran off and did his own thing regardless of what the rest of us were doing, and when questioned by another member about "Why don't you come play with us?" he responded "I thought I was..." *He wasn't even in the same area we were in..... And he KNEW that.*

Tonight, he brought home 3 new games and just had to interrupt MY game to display them....
One space thingie, one superhero thingie, and one that I don't even remember what it was.

Funny thing is, one of the games was on DVD, and he doesn't have a DVD drive. Another box had the manual, a map, couplea other goodies and NO CD! Just an empty sleeve... I guess that's what you get when you buy used games, eh? But, he went back to the store and got credit or replacements for them, not sure which..

So now I'm waiting for him to come down and give me a report on how cool one of them is. Of course, I'll have to sift through the "ya know"s and "anyhow"s before I can decide on which parts to completely ignore, but I'll betcha one part of the pitch will be how cool it would be to play online.....

A little off-topic, but still funny...

2005-03-27T23:12:00.000-06:00

The other day at work, I was cruisin on fumes due to no sleep the night before. I can imagine I was a bit loopy, and things tend to strike you differently when you're in that situation.

So, there I was at work, had just gotten lunch and had it sitting in front of me, thus far untouched. It was a real Paninni grilled sandwich from the local Italian eatery.

A co-worker who shall remain nameless (and knows all about the IRB) walked up behind me and...

CW - "sniffsniff sniff sniffsniff hm. whatchagotthere... tacos?"

He said it in this high pitched, nasally voice that simply cracked me up. I still laugh thinking about it. I laughed while typing it even.. hehe

Of course, he proclaimed me delirious and moved on to other things....

whatchagotthere... tacos?

HAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!!

Well, it's funny to me...

Rich... That's what it is, RICH!

2005-03-21T23:11:00.000-06:00

Well, we're going on 2 consecutive days without popcorn right now, can I get an AMEN!!!

In other news, you oughta get a kick outta this....

IR trudged in this evening and of course, immediately headed into the kitchen. The first thing he brought out was a bowl of chili and half a loaf of wheat bread.

Neither survived....

Upon reaching the kitchen the second time (to toss the crumbs) he turned to the leftover birthday cake that my neighbor sent over. He cut himself a piece that would feed a medium sized third world country and proceeded to devour it in true IR fashion.

SMACK SMACKITY SMACK SLURIPITY, etc etc... (It was the piece with the most frosting on it after all..)

Then, the piece de resistance.... Back in the kitchen again, he grabs up his box of CORTI-SLIM tablets and pops one down his gullet.

"WTF?" I think... Aren't you supposed to take those things kinda in lieu of a massive dinner?? Or do you think he's substituting them for his beloved popcorn?

There comes a point in time.....

2005-03-19T23:09:00.001-06:00

When enough is just enough...

I heated up some sausage biscuits this morning for my little girl, and once she took a bite or two she commented "These kinda taste like popcorn."

My blood pressure shot up immediately because I knew why. 2-4 bags of that crap are shot through my microwave on a daily basis, and finally, this was the straw.

I pulled out the carousel dish and put in in the sink for IR to clean once he came downstairs. It's splotched all over with the yellow butter flavored gel junk that's supposed to give the popcorn it's buttery flavor.

So, IR came down a bit later (around lunch time), took the dish, put it back in the microwave and nuked some chili. (As usual, without a top, letting the chili bubble and pop all over the ceiling and walls of the microwave.) As soon as he was about done slurping it down, I went back into the kitchen, pulled the dish out of the microwae, put it back in the sink, and waited.

He trudged in, looked at the dish in the sink again and;

IR - "Is this a hint?"

Me - "Very much so. A BIG one."

IR - *looking very closely at the dish* "I have no idea what this yellow stuff is."

Me - "Popcorn crap. The same stuff that's all over the counter in front of the microwave and the walls and the ceiling of it."

IR - "hm."

Me - "hm is right. I've gotten a bit tired of everything that I try to put in that thing coming out tasting like popcorn."

IR - "eeeeeeeeheeeeeeeheeeeeeeheeeeeeh"

Me - "I'm not laughing."

IR - *Turns on water to start cleaning*

Me - *Walks out of kitchen without another word.*

POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!

2005-03-13T23:08:00.001-06:00

DTS this morning and....

IR - "POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!"

Me - "What... the....fuck?"

IR - "Ya know, pood. Like they say in those countries that can't pronounce "f"."

Me - *raises eyebrow* "Okaayyy...."

The Great Consumption of Ought 5

2005-03-12T23:07:00.000-06:00

*edit - changed title*

The diet bit the big one today.....

And in a big, BIG way..

IR walked back in a few minutes ago with a large brown bag of some sort...

IR - "Food?"

Me - "What?"

IR - "You hungry?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "You suuuuure you not hungry for a super burrito GRANDE?"

Me - "Positive."

So, he goes into the kitchen, and unbags a styrofoam container containing a humongous Panchos Burrito Supreme. You gotta take my word for this, these things can feed 2 easily. They're HUGE! So he sat back down on his couch and...

IR - "smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp"

Then, with a tremendous grunt, he heaves his mass off the couch and retreives...

Another one!

IR - "GRRUUUUUNNNTTTTTT..... smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp"

Now, I'm thinkin that it must be over, right? I hear him grunt off the couch again, thud into the kitchen, and GET A FUCKING THIRD ONE!

This is God Damned unbelievable! That HAS to be 5+ pounds of food! And the fat and calories!!! Holy shit! He's just eaten 3 DAYS worth of food!!!

EDIT!!!! *3 minutes later*

OH... MY.... GOD......

FUDGE BARS NOW!!!!!!!

Peanut butter.... PEANUT BUTTER??

2005-03-09T23:06:00.000-06:00

I got in last night, and IR was upstairs already. I silently cheered to myself and grabbed a coke from the fridge, noticing the smell of LOTS of cooked vegetables in the air. Figuring he must've just finished the feeding, I went over to my desk.
I wasn't in the chair 10 seconds when I hear the floorboards upstairs creaking and groaning, followed by THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD, coming down the stairs. (WTF, does he lie in wait for me or something?) Realizing my 30 seconds of quiet was all I was gonna get, I reached for the headphones just in time to hear...

IR - sniffsniffsniff sniff sniff sniffsniffsniffsniff (Imagine a dog that's just found a new scent)

I didn't turn around...

IR - sniffsniff sniff "You notice anything odd about the smell of those, ya know, veggies?"

Me - *still not turning around* "Only that it smells like there's a few pounds of'em cookin."

IR - "BAHAHAAHAHAHHAAHHHAHUUUURPHUUUURP No, I mean the, ya know, quality of the smell."

Me - *raises eyebrow* "Nope....."

IR - "hm. I dunno why, but they smell like peanut butter to me."

*These are mixed vegetables. Broccoli, peas, carrots, cauliflower, etc)*

Me - "Peanut butter?? You better re-access that part of your brain and tell it it's lost it."

IR - "BAHAHAAAHAHHAAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HUUUURP HUUURP"

Me - *Finishes putting on headphones*

Interesting thing I noticed tonight.

2005-03-05T23:05:00.000-06:00

This morning IR showered, stinkied all up with his $1.99 toilet water, and I thought he must've had somewhere to go. (YAAAY!)

He didn't.

He stayed down here, splayed out on his couch all.... day.....long...

After enduring about 8 of his meals, I thought it was over for the day. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Out comes the FUCKIN GUM! 4-5 pieces at a time!

Well, I went ahead and made myself dinner (3 taquitos and some cheesey refried beans), came back to my desk and decided to smackity smack as much as I could, cause, obiously, it's completely acceptable, right?

Here's what I noticed... IR stopped talking to the tv, and actually began smickity smackitying LOUDER. I'm not kidding, it was like he felt he was being challenged or something.
The more I smackitied, the louder he smickitied until anyone standing outside the door would think someone was having a jello juggling contest in here.
Finally I stopped (it was either stop or spit out my food for laughing) and wouldn't you know it, he quieted it back down to a normal level. I started, and he got louder. I stopped, he quieted down. It was so friggen hilarious!

Oh maaaann...

2005-03-03T23:04:00.000-06:00

IR has decided that he's going to "get even" with the bosses at work. He's going to show them, lemme tell ya!

His idea to prove to them what shenanigans bonehead engages in, is to do them all himself!

So, he's going to start going in early.
Calling if he's going to be late.
and
Take only 15 minute lunches instead of a whole hour.

That'll show'em how right he is!! Mmm hmm. Sure will!

Quoth the IR...

"They don't get it, so I'm going to show them exactly what it is all about, since they, ya know, seem to want to harass me for nothing and let him get away with, ya know, anything!"

AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

Can logic BE any more twisted?!?!?!????

Let the biatching begin!!! Part...... Infinity.

2005-03-01T23:03:00.000-06:00

Well, walked in the door tonight to the smell and crinchity crunchity of popcorn, (Yeah, I know, shocking..) and IR actually put down the bag, and commenced to bitching.
Most of you will remember the bonehead that he works with. The one he's been trying to get fired (after getting him the job in the first place) for the last year or so?

Weelllll.... IR got called down today for coming into work late. Apparently, the branch manager made it in before him, and when IR showed up 4 minutes late made the comment "Do you think you can make it into work on time tomorrow?" (Yes, assholish comment, but wait.)
IR replies "Oh suuuurrreeeee." and then commenced into a tirade about being "grilled" for coming in late. Seems he didn't appreciate the somewhat 'nitpicky' comment, and even went on to explain to me, "If he wants to call me down for being, ya know, late, that's fine with me! (I'm sure he appreciates your being 'okay' with him doing his job) but it was, ya know, only 4 minutes. I'm never more than 5 minutes late anyway!" At this point I had to turn around and ask, "Have they ever called you down for it before?" He replied "No! But that's not the point! It was only 4 minutes! If they want to complain if I'm late like, ya know, 10 or 15 minutes then complain away, but don't start grilling me over 4 minutes!"
"Wait wait" I say, "They've let you get away with it, how many times?" "Not many, well, I say not many, but probably not as many as bonehead!"

Theerrreee we go. There it is. Back to the bonehead as his unit of measure. From the rest of the conversation, I determined that bonehead comes in EARLY almost every morning, and when he is going to be late he CALLS to let them know it. EVERY TIME. THAT! THAT is a major issue with IR. According to IR, he shouldn't be late, period. Calling or not. Calling shouldn't absolve him from lateness, even if he does come in 1/2 hour early 99% of the time.
I'm really beginning to see the pattern here. It's becoming clearer and clearer why the bosses over there seem to favor the bonehead over IR. It's because not only is IR an IR, he's also an IE! (Idiot employee)

I can't even watch a movie in peace..

2005-02-28T22:51:00.000-06:00

I tried to watch a movie yesterday while IR was gone off doing the church thing, unfortunately I didn't time it good enough for it to be done by the time he got back.
As soon as he walked in the door, he headed straight to the kitchen and nuked the popcorn. By the time he got back to his couch I was already getting up to go put my headphones on, leaving the movie which still had about 1/2 hour to go. True to form, he immediately started yakking at the tv, and crinchity chunchitying like a madman.
Later, he had gone up to the bunker (taking yet another bag of nuke popcorn up there with him) so I put the movie back in, intent on seeing the end of it in peace.
5 minutes after I had found my earlier exit point, he comes thumping back down, straight to the kitchen, grabs 2 fudge bars and grunts back down on his couch.
Again, I got up, went to the PC, put on the headphones and cranked up the music. Before the first song had ended I glanced back and he had already gone back upstairs and the movie had been turned off.
So, after much interruption I finally got to finish the movie, about 4 hours after I started it.

I think it's starting to sink in... Maybe...

2005-02-27T22:50:00.000-06:00

Slowly but surely.

Tonight marked IR's "first experience with soy protein" (which he related to me upon finishing a soy burger and a whole can of creamed corn). I need to stress that it was indeed only one burger-type-thing, because 10 minutes earlier;

IR - "I think I'm gonna try those soy protein burgers tonight. They're only like, ya know, 120 calories compared, ya know, to a regular burger that's about 450." *Where he gets these numbers I have no idea.*

Me - "120? Wow, so that means you can eat at least 3 of'em for the caloric price of 1!"

IR - "Oh noooo... One will be enough." *There's that contrite look again*

And much to my shock, he did only eat the one. This is of course discounting the 2 bags of nuclear popcorn that disappeared up into the bunker earlier, and the bag that was eaten down here, followed by the big-assed bowl of Raisin Bran cereal and the granola bars.....

So maybe, juuuust maybe, some idea of what he's been doing is starting to sink in. (ie - Excusing his massive food intake with the "but it's lower calorie food" excuse. That is his way though. It's how he deals with his vices and such. Create an excuse that makes it sound 'not so bad', and stick with it. We'll see....

But these are only 35 calories!!

2005-02-26T22:50:00.000-06:00

So, IR was ending a 5 hour marathon game of "Godzilla 2000", (his latest XBox game rental) and had gone into the kitchen to get an ice cream bar.

Upon coming back in here;

IR - "I oughta, ya know, get more of these, they're better than the other ones!"

Me - "Is there room in the freezer for another case?"

IR - "eeeeeheeeeeheeeehuurphurrrp But these are only 35 calories!"

Me - "That doesn't mean you should eat 12 at a time though."

IR - "Ohh nooooooo." (Looking very contrite)

Me - *looks disapprovingly at the small mountain of wrappers on the table next to him*

IR - *follows gaze* "Ohhhh... Well, ya know, that's been, ya know, all day."

Me - "uh huh" *shakes head and walks away*

I wonder if IR's goal is 300 pounds by the end of the year?

2005-02-23T22:47:00.002-06:00

It seems that way at least..

Behold the freezer.

Notice that not only is the first box of the new ice cream bars all but empty (purchased this evening), but 2 of the remaining 3 boxes of fudge bars are open.
One is half empty, the other has 2 left. (12 per box) *Don't fail to also notice that the veggies haven't been touched since the first devouration.... There's one bag behind the chicken things in the tupperware.*

Ya know, SMACK SMACK, I've been meanin to ask you....

2005-02-22T22:45:00.000-06:00

IR was gone most of the evening, he left earlier after getting all smellied up, so it must've been something important.
I went out a few minutes ago to get some Cokes, and when I came back, IR had also returned.

I made a bet with myself that he would be eating when I came in.

I won.

So, I put the Cokes in the fridge, and came over to sit down at my desk.

IR turned towards me and:

IR - "Ya know, SMACK SMACK, I been meaning to ask you... SMACK SMACK What were you thinking when they made that commercial?" *commences to get this stupidassed shit eating grin on his mug*

Me - *stares blankly for several seconds....*

Me - "What commercial?"

IR - *half points over his shoulder twice* (at the wall) "The one they made. Ya know, at work." *Note - this commercial was made about 2 months ago. This is the first he's mentioned it.*

Me - *stares blankly a little longer* "Hey, they're making a commercial?"?

IR - "eeeeeeheeeeeeh Looked like you were thinkin something."

Me - "Nope."

IR - "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHUURPHUURP"

So I went back to my own stuff..

As I typed this, he finished the steaming bowl of whatever he was demolishing amongst many, many slurpity smackitys and has started in on the fudge bars again. I'll betcha odds that he ate a dinner while he was out wherever, too...

A quick glance into the freezer revealed....

2005-02-21T22:43:00.001-06:00

A stash of his frozen microwaveable chicken breast thingies, 12 pounds worth of frozen veggies, and 4 BOXES OF FUDGE BARS!

Getting in shape is SO MUCH FUN!!!

*Edit* Since posting this an hour and a half ago, an ENTIRE BOX of Fudge Bars is GONE, and the second has already been molested..

The Official IR Weigh In!

2005-02-18T22:42:00.000-06:00

I got cornered in the kitchen tonight, and.....

IR - "REDENBACHEERRRRRRR"

Me - *raises eyebrow*

IR - *tosses 2 bags of microwave popcorn onto the counter*

Me - "Only 2 bags??"

IR - "Well, after eating like four bags the other day, and then, ya know, going to brush my teeth, it was like..." *makes exaggerated pantomime brushing motions while going "AAHHHH! AAAAHHHH!"* "So, I figured this time only two would be enough. That's just too much, ya know, crunchin."

Me - "Oh I know, believe me...."

IR - "At least it's, ya know, low cal. Ya know, it's funny though. I've been eating a lot more sensible, ya know, stuff, and I've actually gained weight, but I've trimmed up." *turns sideways*

Me - *Looks over at big, square beer gut, raises eyebrow once more* "Really...... Well, anytime you eat four pounds of food at a time, even healthy food, that's gonna happen. Four pounds is four pounds."

IR - "eeeeheeeeeeheeeeeeheeeeeeh...... eeeheeeeh..... hm."

My GOD that was funny....

2005-02-14T22:41:00.001-06:00

For some reason, IR decided to try some workout stuff down here this evening.
Leaving the weights where they've been since their purchase, he layed down on the floor and proceeded to attempt sit-ups.

He sounded like an asthmatic bear takin a dump back there while he did them, but he managed to grunt out 10, count'em TEN full sit-ups, before collapsing to the floor in utter exhaustion. (applause please, he actually did them!) I do wish I'd had a way to record that audio though, it coulda been used in some horror movie somewhere.

Holy jeebus!

2005-02-12T22:40:00.000-06:00

Man, if this is getting in shape, I'll stay exactly like I am.

So far, and I stress so far, for lunch today I've heard;

2 apples
1 pound of steamed vegetables
4 chicken tenders (microwaved)
1 pound of grapes
1 bag of popcorn
and
1 large bowl of granola cereal
consumed. That's in about a 1 hour period.
**CORRECTION!!! Add ANOTHER bowl of granola cereal onto that, and ANOTHER bag of popcorn. Holy crap!!!

ps - Whoever decided to eat the first apple needs to be cursed forever. (Ooops! Too late! muahaha)

ps- The weights still haven't moved.....

Continuing the illusion of getting in shape...

2005-02-09T22:39:00.000-06:00

2 days ago, I came home from work to find (prominently displayed of course) a couple of leg weights and a wrist weight. They had been left sitting in my recliner, with the boxes on the desk beside the door.

They're still sitting there.

W0ot! Getting in shape is fun!

New diet/getting in shape report.

2005-02-07T22:38:00.000-06:00

Since the last report on Tuesday;

Wednesday evening: McDonalds
Thursday evening: McDonalds
Friday evening: McDonalds
Saturday: eggs(4)-toast(3 wheat), 4 hotdogs(chili-cheese), McDonalds. Spent pretty much all day sprawled on couch smickity smackiting.
Sunday: unknown but there were 2 new bowls in the sink.

I wonder if he's even taken the tags off of his exercise stuff yet...

Not too late to take'em back..

Also, I can tell he's itching to ask why I put on my headphones and crank up the music every time he walks into the room. As he trundles out of the kitchen, he's been tending to stop and look at the player to see what I'm listening to. (It's pretty much the same thing each time. Lotsa loud, angry music. Rammstein, Bloodhound Gang, Disturbed, Dope, etc)

Bayonets... What are they for again?

2005-02-05T22:37:00.000-06:00

I know he had to notice the loooong pause after asking this one..

IR was sprawled back there on his couch watching "We Were Soldiers" when...

IR - "Now, I know bayonet's were used for, ya know, close quarters, but ya think they were used to conserve ammo?"

Me - "........................................................................................................................................................
They were used when you were out of ammo or being overrun. How could you figure on them being used to conserve ammo?"

IR - "Oh.. Well... Ya know... I just thought they may, ya know, be used if you were running low."

Me - "Used for what? Throwing them at the enemy?"

IR - "HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE-HURPHURPHURP"

Me - *shakes head and goes back to my bidness*

30 years???

2005-02-03T22:35:00.003-06:00

I was sitting here nice and quiet, mindin my bidness when the internet connection went dead.

Damn... I know what that means.

5

4

3

2

1

THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD

IR - "Internet locked up?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "Oh, is it, uhhh... On?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "Oohhh.. So it IS locked up!"

Me - "No, the internet doesn't lock up."

IR - "But it's not, ya know, working..."

Me - "Now you've got it."

IR - "HAHAHAHAHAAAAHAAHHAAA-HURPHURPHURP"

(Don't ask me, I call it the Hyena laugh...)

So, deciding he's going to stay down here now, he grunts onto the couch and clicks on the tv to see a "30th Anniversary of Happy Days".
It was nearing a commercial, and the announcer said, "We'll be right back to the Happy Days 30th Anniversary".

IR - "30 years? This show was on for 30 years??

Me - "........... It was introduced 30 years ago..."

IR - "OOOooohhhhh"

This is a modified (read: masked) view of what he looks like while watching tv.

IR's food stashes...

2005-02-02T22:30:00.004-06:00

I've found 3 so far (not like I had to really 'find' them...) but there's no telling how many are up in the Bunker.

This is a new one...

This is the original one...

This is another new one..

IR Health Report for 2/1/05

2005-02-01T22:29:00.000-06:00

Dear health journal,

I did good today. For lunch I had a large pizza from Sams Club (I usually get an extra large) and a large diet Sprite (to offset the pizza). For dinner, another double 1/4 pounder with cheese, super-sized fries (I can afford the fries since I'm only eating one burger) and a diet Sprite. I really doused the fries with Lycopene to make them more healthy for me. For dessert, I only had 12 Fig Newtons, so there's a 50% saving in calories right there over normal!
I jumped on the talking scale to see how much I've lost and it laughed, so that must be a good thing.

Today's healthy, dietary goodness brought to you by.....

2005-01-31T10:08:00.000-06:00

Burger King

Home of the Double Whopper and extra large fries! (and a diet Coke!)

Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun to watch!

There are reasons I really don't care for IR.....

2005-01-30T10:07:00.000-06:00

Most of'em are pretty damned good too.

Here's one now!

IR came back in from his trip out and about a little while ago. He asked two questions.

The first...

IR - "So, uhh.. You been keepin up with the, ya know, election stuff in, uhhhhh, Iraq, right?"

Me - "Yup"

Now then, I'm not going to give you the next question, I'm going to let you guess it.

What do you think his first question regarding my knowledge of the election in Iraq was?

Oh yeah... The whole diet/exercise thing is right on schedule..

2005-01-30T10:06:00.000-06:00

IR burped his way in the door a few minutes ago with another Bag-O-Doom from McDonalds. I actually laughed out loud when he walked in, and again when he unwrapped teh DOUBLE 1/4 pounder and biggie sized fries.

So now he sits back there sounding like a dozen starving bears, and I've got a little Rammstein jammin in the headphones. I see a whole lotta bloggin in the very near future.. :)

*Edit* Only 1/2 hour since the double burger disappeared in a hail of smickity smacks, and he's already breathing heavily over a big bowl full of granola cereal. Good Gawd!

Here we go again...

2005-01-29T10:06:00.000-06:00

Apparently, going to the YMCA was too much trouble for IR (he hasn't been since about 2 weeks after buying the year long membership), so he's now going to try working out at home. He came home earlier with two 25 pound dumbells, a workout mat, and a chin-up bar. (As if any of the doorframes in here could hold him up....)

The mat and bar have gone upstairs, but the dumbells mysteriously stayed down here. Too much work to take them all the way upstairs?

Ah well, this should turn out to be pretty interesting as he's just come back in with a big Bag-O-Doom from McDonalds. It's starting off normally so far as I can see...

Superior Relationships?

2005-01-29T10:05:00.000-06:00

IR just thudded downstairs and made a grand show of standing near the door holding a couple of what I guess were rented movies.
He stood there holding them with the title edges facing out at chest level for a minute or so while talking to the tv. (had to make sure they were seen and all....)

One was a Jesus movie of some sort, the other was titled "Superior Relationships". (Probably prefaced with "How to Build" or something...)

Now, I have to wonder. IR only interacts with the people at his church once or twice a week, and the people at work. Could he have a little ahgrish female on the side somewhere?
I'm curious to see if he tries any of it's most likely completely non-functional drivel around me. It should be a hoot!

10 year old ownage part deux.

2005-01-23T10:04:00.000-06:00

Gotta love kids... They say what's on thier minds without pause. It's really pretty cool.

Tonight, my little girl layed it down on IR not once, but twice!

First, was when he came home from wherever he went today and settled in to a light dinner of 4 hotdogs. Not regular hotdogs, but chili cheese dogs.

IR - "smickity smackity smack smack smack"

IR - "smackity snarf smack smick"

10 yo - "Gawwwww! I've never seen anyone eat that much. You're gonna die."

IR - "eeeeeheeeehe eeeeeh eeheeeeee No. Not yet. smackity smick smick smack"

10 yo - "Didn't anyone ever teach you to chew with your lips closed? My daddy would yell at me for making that much noise when I ate."

Me - *dyin*

IR - "hm. Well, SMACK SMACK, I like to chew my food completely."

10 yo - "That's what you're supposed to do, but with your lips closed. Like this." *mimics closed mouth chewing*

IR - "hm." *Then closes his mouth to continue chewing.*

Me - *Had to go into the kitchen, then to the bathroom to hide the pain in my gut from holding in the guffaws.*

Later in the evening, my daughter pulled out some balloons and started goofin off with'em. Blowing them up and letting them *bra-a-a-a-a-a-p-p* around the room. IR grabbed one up and started blowing it up, intending to jump in on the festivities. After about the tenth "haaaaaaa-shooooooooooooo" she said....

10 yo - "That's gonna blow up in your face."

IR - "Nah... haaaaa-shoooooooooooBOOM!"

10 yo - "That was stupid. I told ya it was gonna blow up in your face."

IR - "hm.. Ah well, it must've had a weak spot."

Me - *back in the kitchen again....*

Wowzers!

2005-01-18T10:02:00.000-06:00

Apparently ole IR was in the mood for a snack when he got home today. Let me explain how I know this...

Last week, he did what most of us would call shopping, which for him is more like hauling product cross country. It's a virtual truckload each time. This time, one set of items in particular are the focus here. A 36 pack of hotdogs (pork) and 2 12 packs of buns. I noticed last night (cause the huge packages are hard to ignore) that thus far, niether had been touched.
Today when I got home, I went into the kitchen to make a sandwich and had to doubletake at the top package of buns. It was nearly empty! Only 4 buns remained out of the 12 pack. I opened the fridge to grab the ham, and WHAM! One 6pack of hotdogs gone, the other half empty.
Even for IR, that's pretty shocking...

Holleeeeeeeee SHIT!

2005-01-13T10:01:00.000-06:00

Now this.... This is simply unbelievable.

IR is doin the 'sick' thing cause he doesn't want to go in to work tomorrow.

His boss wasn't home earlier, and doesn't have an answering machine so IR couldn't leave him a message.

Now, I'm thinkin.....

In the morning, before work should start, give him a ring and let him know, right?

Noooooooo....

Try this on for size instead.

Wait till 11:45 at night, go get in your car, drive to work to retrieve the Nextel radio, send an ALERT TO YOUR BOSSES RADIO, INTERRUPT WHATEVER HE'S DOING, and let him know that you won't be in tomorrow.

Hey, that's fair right? As long as you don't have to get up in the morning to make the call?

Spaghetti?

2005-01-13T10:00:00.000-06:00

So here I was, sitting here mindin my bidness, eatin my roast beef, gravy and taters when the newly "sick" IR pipes up behind me...

(s)IR - sniffsniiiiiiiffsnufffsniff......... Spaghetti?

Me - ".....No."

(s)IR - "Well, snuuufffsniffsniff.. I smell somethin at least."

Me - "Your sniffsniffsniffer's still outta whack."

(s)IR - "(cough cough) I guess so."

Oh damn....

2005-01-09T09:59:00.000-06:00

IR has discovered GUM!

Yes, gum. The chewy sweet treat that can be smicked and smacked all....day.....long....

So that means, the 20 minutes of each day when he doesn't have a bowl, platter or other container of food under his chin, he can continue his favorite pastime.

Craaaap.

Bloody amazing!

2005-01-05T09:58:00.000-06:00

So, IR brought home another batch of movies and more ice cream tonight. It's simply inconceivable that someone can eat this much. Since the movie began, he's gone through a BIG bowl of ice cream, then a bag of popcorn, now another BIG bowl of ice cream slathered in chocolate and caramel syrup..
The 1/2 gallon he bought is OVER 1/2 gone already. *EDIT* Sorry, I mis-typed that.. Over 1/2 of the GALLON he bought is gone... In TWO bowl's worth...

He commented earlier....

IR - "It's gonna be, ya know, hard to get back on my diet. Well, I say diet, but back to eating healthy. Ya know, without all the sweet stuff."

Now, bear in mind that no less than two 5+ pound bags of mixed candies have disappeared around here over the last couple of months, not to mention the more recent spate of ice cream demolitions.

It's damned scary...

Pretty grapey??

2005-01-01T09:57:00.000-06:00

DTS and...

IR - "sniff sniffsniffsniff Smells pretty grapey in here."

Me - "Grapey?"

IR - "sniffsniff sniff sniffsniff hm. Yeah, definately grapey."

Me - "I think your sniffsniffsniffer's out of whack. Nothing grapey has been around here that I've seen."

IR - "hm. Wonder what, sniffsniffsniff, that is?"

Me - "You got me. I don't smell anything but my hot chocolate."

IR - "Ohhh I see. That must be what it is!"

Me - "Hot chocolate smells 'grapey'?"

IR - Well, ya know, from across the room it's hard to, ya know, tell."

Me - "Okaaay.."

Wanna guess?

2005-01-01T09:55:00.000-06:00

1 week later, and everything was cleaned out of there about 5 days ago...

In this time period, I've seen the following devoured..

3 - 1/2 gallons of ice cream.
2 - Bags of granola cereal.
4 - Barf Bags of McDonalds (supersized)
2 - Big bags of animal crackers
9 - Bags of nuclear popcorn
2 - 2 pound cans of nuts (CHOOOOS and regular spanish)
1 - Bundt style lemon cake (Gone in ONE day...)
And whatever else I haven't seen go on up in the Bunker.

And the latest claim is that he's gained no weight over the holiday period....

Riiiiigghhttt............

Owned by a 10 year old...

2004-12-31T19:46:00.000-06:00

My little girl is over this weekend, and she got a big box of beads, string and a book about tying knots. (For making bracelets, necklaces, etc)

Well, good ole supremely intelligent IR took the book from her so he could show her "how to do it".

First, he complained that there wasn't anything in the book that actually "shows you how to tie these knots".

My daughter glanced over and pointed out the pictures that PLAINLY showed the proper way to tie them.

Well, the whole thing went something like this...

IR - "Well, ya know, there's really nothing, ya know, in here that shows you how to tie these things."

10yo - "Yes there are, right there."

IR - "hm. Well... That doesn't really show you step by step how to, ya know, do it." *major confused look*

Me - "What do you want, a video? It's a book!"

IR - "hm."

10yo - "Look, like this." *proceeds to tie the knot on the first try* "This goes over this one, and through here, then pull this one aannddd....." *knot is complete*

IR - "hm."

Me - *suppressing the hell out of major laughter*

Updated the blogroll...

2004-12-31T19:34:00.000-06:00

Sorry to those that have been left off for so long, but I finally got off my lazy ass and updated all the ones that showed as having sent hits my way.

Thanks and Happy Holidays! (Whether you like it or not.. nyah)

To see them, you'll have to use http://www.NO-LONGER-ACTIVE.com cause they're not on the blog directly.

The game continues....

2004-12-29T19:45:00.000-06:00

Let's see...

So far he's been on a couple of 'quests'.... Killed a buncha squealing pygmy ahgruhs.... Solved a few puzzles, and upon being tasked with getting back to the 'guild hall' to collect a quest card...

IR - "I would if these WANKERS would stop harassing me!"

Now, I'm no ahgruh slayer but I'm pretty sure they didn't name one of the beasties "wanker" in that game. It would be funny though..

"You're being attacked by a level 12 WANKER!"

The Wanker swings a 'Ninny Stick' and does 4 points Charisma damage.
The Wanker taunts for -3 mana.
You swing your Mighty Spoon of Wanker slaying! (+9 against Wankers)
The Wanker side steps your swing and bitch slaps you for 15 points ego damage!
Regaining your senses, (while the Wanker continues to taunt) you draw your secret weapon.
The Ultimate Sparkling Twig of Infinite Shineyness is now in your hand.
The Wanker is spellbound by it's mighty visage, and can only utter "Ooooooo Shiinneeyyyy" over and over again.
With a powerful gruuuunt, you plant the Ultimate Sparkling Twig of Infinite Shineyness into the loamy earth, at which time it grows with astonishing speed into the Ultimate TREE of Infinite Shineyness!
Wankers start coming from miles around, mesmerized by the spectacle.
You add another notch to your Scabbard of Ubberness and make your way back to the guild hall.

The most annoying game..... EVER....

2004-12-26T19:43:00.000-06:00

As I sit here and type, I'm listening to the most horrendous thing.
It's an XBox game, and I don't know the name, but it's filled with actor's voiceovers comprised of the worst "Cockney" accents you could ever imagine! It's absolutely horrid!
But there he sits, chatting with the screen, answering questions audibly as well as with a button click. I've put together a small sample of it LINK REMOVED. I had the little camera I got set on low cause it's only got 16 megs of onboard memory, so excuse the nasty picture. But listen to those voices! I doubt I'll have any hair by the end of the hour....
You can also see IR's head covering up about 1/2 of the 25" tv screen....

Okay, charity and holiday spirit is officially gone.

2004-12-24T19:42:00.000-06:00

Nope, not feelin charitable at all. So far, I've had a day filled with about a hundred "eeeeheee look at this" 's, stupid questions galore, smick smack smickity, and finally tonight I've had enough.

I just went into the kitchen to fix some dinner. While I've got the stove warming up............

IR - "Hey, before you start anything else, why don't you try some of that, ya know, granola cereal?"

Me - ".........................Man, you're just not gonna give up on that are ya? Do I HAVE to eat it to get you to quit askin about it?"

IR - *wide eyed - shakes head no*

Meanwhile, I go to step over to the stove and find my foot (with sock on) somewhat stuck to the floor. I peel it up, and there's a big blotch of green goo down there. IR's ice cream from earlier......

Me - "You wanna come in here and clean up your mess too?"

IR - "Huh? What mess?"

Me - "The green one on the floor that I just stepped in."

IR - "Oh, I didn't see.... I hadn't notice.... I wonder how...."

Me - "Just clean it up...................."

Damned if I'm gonna play maid to a grown man...

Your first view into the anomoly that is, IR....

2004-12-24T19:40:00.000-06:00

Just playin with my Christmas present to myself... :)

How long do you think that's been filling up?

Idiot Roommate

Introduction

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CONTACT!!!

Beyond 2 weeks now.....

Too good to pass up posting about...

The End is Near

Latest update

Search engine queries that ended up here...

Sigh.....

HAHAHAHA!!! This could SO be IR!

To all IRB readers and contributors....

Bunker Clearing in Progress!!!

WHAT THE HELL???

3rd and final in a series...

2nd in a series

First in a short series...

Chocolate....

Now THAT was interesting....

Mega snackage and topping off...

BOXES!!!

BOXES!!!

Is there no escape??

Black lights = ultra violet lights?

Paul McCartney?

Can you see my car?

Cheese sticks?

10 year old ownage, revisited.....

Cleaning the bunker....

The truth finally comes out....

The IRB may be nearing it's conclusion....

Slow bloggage for the last couplea weeks...

Sometimes.......

RAPTURE!!!!!!!1

Well, he's back.

4th day.....

Early morning trial......

Just a quick note....

Due to recent developments

The Simpsons!

Oh just shut UP......

Well, that was interesting....

I've decided.....

Hair dryer???

Yes... I laughed...

Piddling?

Some brain recharging may be in order.....

Yesterday.... A day of Horrors!

There's just no reason there....

Revelations.... Queer or ironic?

The fitness guru IR lets me in on a trade secret....

Ok, the fingernail thing is getting wierd....

Jesse McCartney, famous son of.....?

*sigh* Again with the clipping of the fingernails....

A matter of trust?

No farkin WAY!!!!

This should be somewhat funny....

Experiment night!

Lonely? Desperate? Moronic?

A little off-topic, but still funny...

Rich... That's what it is, RICH!

There comes a point in time.....

POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!

The Great Consumption of Ought 5

Peanut butter.... PEANUT BUTTER??

Interesting thing I noticed tonight.

Oh maaaann...

Let the biatching begin!!! Part...... Infinity.

I can't even watch a movie in peace..

I think it's starting to sink in... Maybe...

But these are only 35 calories!!

I wonder if IR's goal is 300 pounds by the end of the year?

Ya know, SMACK SMACK, I've been meanin to ask you....

A quick glance into the freezer revealed....

The Official IR Weigh In!

My GOD that was funny....

Holy jeebus!

Continuing the illusion of getting in shape...

New diet/getting in shape report.

Bayonets... What are they for again?

sigh Again with the clipping of the fingernails....