Lonely? Desperate? Moronic?

IR has once again started pestering me to play an online game with him.
Yesterday, he tried to get me to install "Age of Mythology", by comparing it to "Rome:Total War". Not hardly, skippy....
Problem is, I've played one online game with him in attendance. As a team player, or 'squaddie', he sucks. He just ran off and did his own thing regardless of what the rest of us were doing, and when questioned by another member about "Why don't you come play with us?" he responded "I thought I was..." *He wasn't even in the same area we were in..... And he KNEW that.*


Tonight, he brought home 3 new games and just had to interrupt MY game to display them....
One space thingie, one superhero thingie, and one that I don't even remember what it was.

Funny thing is, one of the games was on DVD, and he doesn't have a DVD drive. Another box had the manual, a map, couplea other goodies and NO CD! Just an empty sleeve... I guess that's what you get when you buy used games, eh? But, he went back to the store and got credit or replacements for them, not sure which..

So now I'm waiting for him to come down and give me a report on how cool one of them is. Of course, I'll have to sift through the "ya know"s and "anyhow"s before I can decide on which parts to completely ignore, but I'll betcha one part of the pitch will be how cool it would be to play online.....

A little off-topic, but still funny...

The other day at work, I was cruisin on fumes due to no sleep the night before. I can imagine I was a bit loopy, and things tend to strike you differently when you're in that situation.

So, there I was at work, had just gotten lunch and had it sitting in front of me, thus far untouched. It was a real Paninni grilled sandwich from the local Italian eatery.

A co-worker who shall remain nameless (and knows all about the IRB) walked up behind me and...


CW - "sniffsniff sniff sniffsniff hm. whatchagotthere... tacos?"

He said it in this high pitched, nasally voice that simply cracked me up. I still laugh thinking about it. I laughed while typing it even.. hehe

Of course, he proclaimed me delirious and moved on to other things....




whatchagotthere... tacos?

HAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!!

Well, it's funny to me...

Rich... That's what it is, RICH!

Well, we're going on 2 consecutive days without popcorn right now, can I get an AMEN!!!

In other news, you oughta get a kick outta this....

IR trudged in this evening and of course, immediately headed into the kitchen. The first thing he brought out was a bowl of chili and half a loaf of wheat bread.

Neither survived....

Upon reaching the kitchen the second time (to toss the crumbs) he turned to the leftover birthday cake that my neighbor sent over. He cut himself a piece that would feed a medium sized third world country and proceeded to devour it in true IR fashion.

SMACK SMACKITY SMACK SLURIPITY, etc etc... (It was the piece with the most frosting on it after all..)

Then, the piece de resistance.... Back in the kitchen again, he grabs up his box of CORTI-SLIM tablets and pops one down his gullet.


"WTF?" I think... Aren't you supposed to take those things kinda in lieu of a massive dinner?? Or do you think he's substituting them for his beloved popcorn?

There comes a point in time.....

When enough is just enough...


I heated up some sausage biscuits this morning for my little girl, and once she took a bite or two she commented "These kinda taste like popcorn."

My blood pressure shot up immediately because I knew why. 2-4 bags of that crap are shot through my microwave on a daily basis, and finally, this was the straw.

I pulled out the carousel dish and put in in the sink for IR to clean once he came downstairs. It's splotched all over with the yellow butter flavored gel junk that's supposed to give the popcorn it's buttery flavor.

So, IR came down a bit later (around lunch time), took the dish, put it back in the microwave and nuked some chili. (As usual, without a top, letting the chili bubble and pop all over the ceiling and walls of the microwave.) As soon as he was about done slurping it down, I went back into the kitchen, pulled the dish out of the microwae, put it back in the sink, and waited.

He trudged in, looked at the dish in the sink again and;

IR - "Is this a hint?"

Me - "Very much so. A BIG one."

IR - *looking very closely at the dish* "I have no idea what this yellow stuff is."

Me - "Popcorn crap. The same stuff that's all over the counter in front of the microwave and the walls and the ceiling of it."

IR - "hm."

Me - "hm is right. I've gotten a bit tired of everything that I try to put in that thing coming out tasting like popcorn."

IR - "eeeeeeeeheeeeeeeheeeeeeeheeeeeeh"

Me - "I'm not laughing."

IR - *Turns on water to start cleaning*

Me - *Walks out of kitchen without another word.*

POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!

DTS this morning and....


IR - "POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!"

Me - "What... the....fuck?"

IR - "Ya know, pood. Like they say in those countries that can't pronounce "f"."

Me - *raises eyebrow* "Okaayyy...."

The Great Consumption of Ought 5

*edit - changed title*

The diet bit the big one today.....

And in a big, BIG way..

IR walked back in a few minutes ago with a large brown bag of some sort...


IR - "Food?"

Me - "What?"

IR - "You hungry?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "You suuuuure you not hungry for a super burrito GRANDE?"

Me - "Positive."


So, he goes into the kitchen, and unbags a styrofoam container containing a humongous Panchos Burrito Supreme. You gotta take my word for this, these things can feed 2 easily. They're HUGE! So he sat back down on his couch and...


IR - "smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp"


Then, with a tremendous grunt, he heaves his mass off the couch and retreives...


Another one!


IR - "GRRUUUUUNNNTTTTTT..... smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp smickity smackity slurpity smick smackity slurp"

Now, I'm thinkin that it must be over, right? I hear him grunt off the couch again, thud into the kitchen, and GET A FUCKING THIRD ONE!

This is God Damned unbelievable! That HAS to be 5+ pounds of food! And the fat and calories!!! Holy shit! He's just eaten 3 DAYS worth of food!!!


EDIT!!!! *3 minutes later*


OH... MY.... GOD......



FUDGE BARS NOW!!!!!!!

Peanut butter.... PEANUT BUTTER??

I got in last night, and IR was upstairs already. I silently cheered to myself and grabbed a coke from the fridge, noticing the smell of LOTS of cooked vegetables in the air. Figuring he must've just finished the feeding, I went over to my desk.
I wasn't in the chair 10 seconds when I hear the floorboards upstairs creaking and groaning, followed by THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD, coming down the stairs. (WTF, does he lie in wait for me or something?) Realizing my 30 seconds of quiet was all I was gonna get, I reached for the headphones just in time to hear...


IR - sniffsniffsniff sniff sniff sniffsniffsniffsniff (Imagine a dog that's just found a new scent)

I didn't turn around...

IR - sniffsniff sniff "You notice anything odd about the smell of those, ya know, veggies?"

Me - *still not turning around* "Only that it smells like there's a few pounds of'em cookin."

IR - "BAHAHAAHAHAHHAAHHHAHUUUURPHUUUURP No, I mean the, ya know, quality of the smell."

Me - *raises eyebrow* "Nope....."

IR - "hm. I dunno why, but they smell like peanut butter to me."

*These are mixed vegetables. Broccoli, peas, carrots, cauliflower, etc)*

Me - "Peanut butter?? You better re-access that part of your brain and tell it it's lost it."

IR - "BAHAHAAAHAHHAAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HUUUURP HUUURP"

Me - *Finishes putting on headphones*

Interesting thing I noticed tonight.

This morning IR showered, stinkied all up with his $1.99 toilet water, and I thought he must've had somewhere to go. (YAAAY!)



He didn't.


He stayed down here, splayed out on his couch all.... day.....long...


After enduring about 8 of his meals, I thought it was over for the day. I couldn't have been more wrong.


Out comes the FUCKIN GUM! 4-5 pieces at a time!

Well, I went ahead and made myself dinner (3 taquitos and some cheesey refried beans), came back to my desk and decided to smackity smack as much as I could, cause, obiously, it's completely acceptable, right?

Here's what I noticed... IR stopped talking to the tv, and actually began smickity smackitying LOUDER. I'm not kidding, it was like he felt he was being challenged or something.
The more I smackitied, the louder he smickitied until anyone standing outside the door would think someone was having a jello juggling contest in here.
Finally I stopped (it was either stop or spit out my food for laughing) and wouldn't you know it, he quieted it back down to a normal level. I started, and he got louder. I stopped, he quieted down. It was so friggen hilarious!

Oh maaaann...

IR has decided that he's going to "get even" with the bosses at work. He's going to show them, lemme tell ya!

His idea to prove to them what shenanigans bonehead engages in, is to do them all himself!


So, he's going to start going in early.
Calling if he's going to be late.
and
Take only 15 minute lunches instead of a whole hour.


That'll show'em how right he is!! Mmm hmm. Sure will!

Quoth the IR...

"They don't get it, so I'm going to show them exactly what it is all about, since they, ya know, seem to want to harass me for nothing and let him get away with, ya know, anything!"


AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

Can logic BE any more twisted?!?!?!????

Let the biatching begin!!! Part...... Infinity.

Well, walked in the door tonight to the smell and crinchity crunchity of popcorn, (Yeah, I know, shocking..) and IR actually put down the bag, and commenced to bitching.
Most of you will remember the bonehead that he works with. The one he's been trying to get fired (after getting him the job in the first place) for the last year or so?

Weelllll.... IR got called down today for coming into work late. Apparently, the branch manager made it in before him, and when IR showed up 4 minutes late made the comment "Do you think you can make it into work on time tomorrow?" (Yes, assholish comment, but wait.)
IR replies "Oh suuuurrreeeee." and then commenced into a tirade about being "grilled" for coming in late. Seems he didn't appreciate the somewhat 'nitpicky' comment, and even went on to explain to me, "If he wants to call me down for being, ya know, late, that's fine with me! (I'm sure he appreciates your being 'okay' with him doing his job) but it was, ya know, only 4 minutes. I'm never more than 5 minutes late anyway!" At this point I had to turn around and ask, "Have they ever called you down for it before?" He replied "No! But that's not the point! It was only 4 minutes! If they want to complain if I'm late like, ya know, 10 or 15 minutes then complain away, but don't start grilling me over 4 minutes!"
"Wait wait" I say, "They've let you get away with it, how many times?" "Not many, well, I say not many, but probably not as many as bonehead!"

Theerrreee we go. There it is. Back to the bonehead as his unit of measure. From the rest of the conversation, I determined that bonehead comes in EARLY almost every morning, and when he is going to be late he CALLS to let them know it. EVERY TIME. THAT! THAT is a major issue with IR. According to IR, he shouldn't be late, period. Calling or not. Calling shouldn't absolve him from lateness, even if he does come in 1/2 hour early 99% of the time.
I'm really beginning to see the pattern here. It's becoming clearer and clearer why the bosses over there seem to favor the bonehead over IR. It's because not only is IR an IR, he's also an IE! (Idiot employee)