IR logic at it's best.....

This is simply..... Well... I'll let you decide.


IR was complaining earlier about needing to change cell phone companies.

Why you ask? (Yes, I asked...)

IR - "Well, a week after the bill was due and hasn't been paid, they cut the phone off. I mean, it's not like I'm not gonna, ya know, ya know, pay it."

Me - "Sooo... It's due like the 12th, and a week later, since it hasn't been paid, they cut it off. That sounds pretty normal to me."

IR - "Well, ya know, it's not that it hasn't been paid, just that it hasn't been paid yet."

Me - "And they know this..... How?"

IR - "They should know by now since I pay it over a week late, ya know, every month."

Me - "So it gets cut off every month...."

IR - "Yeah, that's why I'm gonna look for another company."

MAH-GAWK!!

So I just went out to grab some lunch. Ended up getting some Popeyes chicken strips and some spicey honey mustard. MMmmmm MM!

I get home, come in the door and hear...


IR - MAH-GAWK!!

I stopped dead in my tracks....

Me - "What the HELL?"

IR - "I see you got chicken."

Me - merely shakes head and goes elsewhere to eat....

Today's story of gluttony brought to you by.....

3 bowls of cereal, "topped off" by a bag of nucular popcorn.



btw, I still don't see any definite signs of weight loss or anything.


IR skipped church today too....


And he bought a new video game...


Hmmmmmmm..........

Lemme tell you about.... Lycopene.

I almost forgot about this one....

Some while back, IR had purchased a gallon or so of Heinz ketchup. (I don't touch Heinz products personally, but that's just me...) He immediately noticed a large label on the back proclaiming the bottle's abundance of something called "Lycopene". Somehow, this "Lycopene" became a staple of his diet and vocabulary for the next several months. At almost every meal, he would joyfully thud into the kitchen and retrieve his preciousssssss while chanting "Ly-coPENE, Ly-coPENE, Ly-coPENE". He even walked by one evening while I was eating and asked, "You want some Lycopene for that?"


*sigh*


Sorry, just decided to take a detour down horror lane for a while there...

Back to square one?

You know the routine by now....


Down the stairs...

GR-U-U-U-U-U-NTS down on couch....

Clicks the TV on and....

IR - "I don't know if you'd want to repeat'em, then you'd be right back at square one."




Eh?

Masters of the Universe??

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to do..... anything, ya know?


I was sitting here watching Heavy Metal 2000 when IR came down this morning.

He grunted down on his couch, looked over and....


IR - "Hm.. Masters of the Universe?"

Me - ".............What?" *As the scene where the attack on FAKK2 is taking place. People dying, blood flying, etc*

IR - "That's Masters of the Universe, right?"

Me - "You mean that old 80's cartoon? Oh hell no, this is Heavy Metal 2000.."

IR - "Ohhhhhh... eeeeeheeeheeeeeee That one guy looked like Skeletor."

Me - ".............."

I can't even get in the door good before it starts

Anyway, I got home tonight from work, opened the door, got one foot inside on the floor and......


IR - "So didja hear, SMACK SMACK, about the hunter that, ya know, killed, well they say he was a hunter, but the hunting incident where the 2 people got killed?

Me - *stops in doorway, with door open* "I heard about a hunter that killed 5 people."

IR - "Well, it apparently wasn't 5 people that he killed. SMACK SMACK, when I heard about it I went and, ya know, googled it and read some of the local writeups. Well, local for the place where it actually happened instead of, ya know, the BBC. (Editor's note - He reads the BBC for US news???) Anyhow, it turns out that he only killed like, ya know, 2 people, and the other ones died by falling out of trees or somethin."

Me - "Oh.. I didn't hear anything about that on CNN, Fox or Reuters."

IR - "Well, ya know, that's cause you gotta go to the source. SMACK SMACK. His name was Chang or somethin."

Me - "Oooookaaay..."

This is the occurrance he's butchering with his 'research'...

NEWS FLASH!

The IRB now has it's own domain!


http://www.IT'S NOT THERE ANYMORE.com


Please update your bookmarks.

http://www.IT'S NOT THERE ANYMORE.com is now live!


WooHoo!

A picture is worth.....

A thousand headaches.....

[image deleted]


Yeah, so it's not 'technically' a picture. Sue me...

Translator needed....

I need the following words/phrases translated...


"Whudafuhhzzaa"

"Minehdurahzh"

and

"Whyderuhfazzuhh"




These were uttered during Shrek 2.


Nooo... Not by Shrek or some other cartoon character.


By IR. It was like he was trying to say something, but just couldn't muster the strength to move his jaws properly..

Anyone? Anyone?

*Shakes head*...............

So, IR had "Van Helsing" playing a little while ago, and if you've ever seen it, you'll know the part I'm talking about.


Van Helsing, the girl and the monk-guy are all outside Dracula's castle and looking for a way in. Van Helsing, since he's part werewolf now, grabs them and quite literally 'bounds' up the wall.

Upon seeing this, IR cranes his neck around to tell me....


IR - "Well, it's only fitting since he played Wolverine in X-Men.. heeee hhhhheeee ehhhhhh"

Let the noise BEGIN!!

Just got down from taking a shower upstairs. While I was up there, I could hear the TV blaring like hell. This was highly noticeable even while I was IN the shower.
Once out, the noise level naturally increased to fever pitch (and this was upstairs through a closed door) and was only drowned out once....



What could have possibly drowned out a stereo TV set at about 85% volume?




B-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-P-P-P-P-P-P-P

Again, this came from downstairs through a closed door.

I think I even felt it through the floor......

It's been pretty quiet around here...

With the exception of another shopping trip in which IR brought home another 3 cases of water, a crate's worth of dry cereal, and the nightly grunts and groans which are the results of his "getting in shape", he's been keeping pretty much to the Bunker of Light.
I'm goin out tonight, so I'll miss whatever's on his agenda, but I'll surely have some new stuff to post come this weekend....

Another classic "WTF" moment....

IR comes tromping down the stairs, sets a bottle of water down on the table and says...

IR - "So I guess he recognized the laughter, huh?"

Then he immediately proceeded into the kitchen for one of his 2 bowls full of something for dinner..

A commercial for the new "Pilot" SUV was just ending as he walked into the room, and there was no laughter on it. I hadn't said a word yet either..


All together now...





"WTF?!?"

It's gonna be a looooooooooong night....

Being election night and all, IR will very likely spend the entire night down here, crunching, slurping, burping and smacking between his idiotic commentaries at the tv.

I'll attempt to use this post to provide a play by play of the upcoming ignorance.

Unless of course, it gets to a point where I simply can't stand it....

Wish me luck. (Note - I'm putting my sanity on the line for you people... I expect at least a cookie dammit!)
*Note - IR is also sitting about 5 feet behind me throughout this live blogging*

A bag of nuclear popcorn is currently being devoured, in individual nuggets of course.
*Endless crunch crunch crunches....*
*BUUURP*
*Finishes popcorn, digs into big box-o-candy left over from Halloween.
*smick-slurp-smack* (Will continue for the next hour or so....)
IR - "Kerry'll probably take California, huh? With the gays, Hollywood and such? Lotsa big money there."
*Channel flipping starts*
*more candy*
*Watching Fox News report, while they report 'projected' states won by Kerry*
IR - "Isn't Fox supposed to be pro-Bush?"
Me - "What're they supposed to do, lie to make it sound like Bush is doing better than he is?"
IR - "smick-slurp-smack hm."
*more candy*
IR - "You know what's interesting is that all the other, ya know, countries have taken such an interest in this election. Of course, they all want Kerry to, ya know, win."
*more candy*
Me - "I don't think nearly all of them want Kerry to win."
IR - "Well, ya know, almost all."
Me - "Not even almost all."
IR - "hm. hm.. I'm sure at least the French do since he's French. smick smack smick"
Me - "..........."
*more candy*
*channel flipping again*
*candy appears to be finished now...*
IR - "Talking, yakking...."
*local news showing a live broadcast from inside a polling place*
IR - "LIVE! LOOK AT THAT! I BET THAT WAS THIS AFTERNOON! LOOK HOW BRIGHT IT IS!"
Me - "It's inside."
IR - "Oh, yeah, that's what I was just thinkin."
*live broadcast is from Bakersfield*
IR - "Bakersfield? What's that?"
Me - "..... uhhhh.... a town?" /sarcasm
IR - "What is that, like some, uhhhh, conglomeration of Baker and Brownsfield?"
Me - "No, it's Bakersfield."
*IR dives back into the candy box*
IR - "Ohh..hm. smickity smack slurp"
*more candy*
*looking at Leslie Stahl on tv*
IR - "Look at that hair! It's like, uhhh, wings! Like the flying nun, yaknowwhutI'msayin?"
Me - "heh.... It's just hair."
IR - "meh"
*more candy*
*guy on tv mentions 'punch card ballots'*
IR - "Eh uh uh!?!? Ok, let's get ready for those hanging chaps again!"
Me - ".........." (simply shakes head in disbelief) *Note - Yes, he said CHAPS.*
*more candy*
*more candy*
"BUUURP!"
*goes into kitchen, fiddles with microwave, get's something out of the fridge, returns to couch*
IR - "gruUUNT"
*more candy*


Ok, that's enough... I can't STAND the smicking smacking shit anymore. I can't suffer through his piss poor eating habits another second. Keep the cookie, just send me some valium.



ps- *more candy*



*UPDATE 11/3/04**

Well, the tally after me putting on my headphones last night was;

Another couple of handfuls of candies, resulting in a rather large mountain of wrappers left on the table.
Another bag of nucular popcorn.
3 bottles of water
and
A can of something. (I'm thinking chili, but haven't looked)

NEWS FLASH

Police: Man Stabbed Roommate 35 Times With Sword, Knife

Police arrested a 22-year-old Central Florida man Sunday for allegedly stabbing his roommate 35 times with a sword and knife for no apparent reason, according to Local 6 News. *more*


I bet I know why...... Most likely the stabbee used all the stabber's mayonnaise!

And then there was..... gravy.

Got home tonight to find IR splayed out on his couch. I mean that quite literally too. It was frightening to say the least. It's not like he wasn't clothed, but the position was.... Ewww
As I made my way past, making sure to avert my eyes towards the wall, he spoke.

IR - "There's some gravy on the stove in there if you, ya know, want some."

Me - "Gravy?"

IR - "Yeah, I decided to use it before it went bad."

*This was a can of gravy.*

Me - "............Okaaaay..."

So out of sheer morbid curiosity I make my way into the kitchen, and he wasn't kidding. There was only gravy on the stove. No other pots, pans or extra dishes in the sink. Nothing new in the garbage either, like a fast food container or anything.

What'd he do, have a gravy milkshake for dinner?