Owned by a 10 year old...

My little girl is over this weekend, and she got a big box of beads, string and a book about tying knots. (For making bracelets, necklaces, etc)

Well, good ole supremely intelligent IR took the book from her so he could show her "how to do it".

First, he complained that there wasn't anything in the book that actually "shows you how to tie these knots".

My daughter glanced over and pointed out the pictures that PLAINLY showed the proper way to tie them.

Well, the whole thing went something like this...


IR - "Well, ya know, there's really nothing, ya know, in here that shows you how to tie these things."

10yo - "Yes there are, right there."

IR - "hm. Well... That doesn't really show you step by step how to, ya know, do it." *major confused look*

Me - "What do you want, a video? It's a book!"

IR - "hm."

10yo - "Look, like this." *proceeds to tie the knot on the first try* "This goes over this one, and through here, then pull this one aannddd....." *knot is complete*

IR - "hm."

Me - *suppressing the hell out of major laughter*

Updated the blogroll...

Sorry to those that have been left off for so long, but I finally got off my lazy ass and updated all the ones that showed as having sent hits my way.

Thanks and Happy Holidays! (Whether you like it or not.. nyah)

To see them, you'll have to use http://www.NO-LONGER-ACTIVE.com cause they're not on the blog directly.

The game continues....

Let's see...

So far he's been on a couple of 'quests'.... Killed a buncha squealing pygmy ahgruhs.... Solved a few puzzles, and upon being tasked with getting back to the 'guild hall' to collect a quest card...


IR - "I would if these WANKERS would stop harassing me!"


Now, I'm no ahgruh slayer but I'm pretty sure they didn't name one of the beasties "wanker" in that game. It would be funny though..

"You're being attacked by a level 12 WANKER!"

The Wanker swings a 'Ninny Stick' and does 4 points Charisma damage.
The Wanker taunts for -3 mana.
You swing your Mighty Spoon of Wanker slaying! (+9 against Wankers)
The Wanker side steps your swing and bitch slaps you for 15 points ego damage!
Regaining your senses, (while the Wanker continues to taunt) you draw your secret weapon.
The Ultimate Sparkling Twig of Infinite Shineyness is now in your hand.
The Wanker is spellbound by it's mighty visage, and can only utter "Ooooooo Shiinneeyyyy" over and over again.
With a powerful gruuuunt, you plant the Ultimate Sparkling Twig of Infinite Shineyness into the loamy earth, at which time it grows with astonishing speed into the Ultimate TREE of Infinite Shineyness!
Wankers start coming from miles around, mesmerized by the spectacle.
You add another notch to your Scabbard of Ubberness and make your way back to the guild hall.

The most annoying game..... EVER....

As I sit here and type, I'm listening to the most horrendous thing.
It's an XBox game, and I don't know the name, but it's filled with actor's voiceovers comprised of the worst "Cockney" accents you could ever imagine! It's absolutely horrid!
But there he sits, chatting with the screen, answering questions audibly as well as with a button click. I've put together a small sample of it LINK REMOVED. I had the little camera I got set on low cause it's only got 16 megs of onboard memory, so excuse the nasty picture. But listen to those voices! I doubt I'll have any hair by the end of the hour....
You can also see IR's head covering up about 1/2 of the 25" tv screen....

Okay, charity and holiday spirit is officially gone.

Nope, not feelin charitable at all. So far, I've had a day filled with about a hundred "eeeeheee look at this" 's, stupid questions galore, smick smack smickity, and finally tonight I've had enough.

I just went into the kitchen to fix some dinner. While I've got the stove warming up............


IR - "Hey, before you start anything else, why don't you try some of that, ya know, granola cereal?"

Me - ".........................Man, you're just not gonna give up on that are ya? Do I HAVE to eat it to get you to quit askin about it?"

IR - *wide eyed - shakes head no*

Meanwhile, I go to step over to the stove and find my foot (with sock on) somewhat stuck to the floor. I peel it up, and there's a big blotch of green goo down there. IR's ice cream from earlier......

Me - "You wanna come in here and clean up your mess too?"

IR - "Huh? What mess?"

Me - "The green one on the floor that I just stepped in."

IR - "Oh, I didn't see.... I hadn't notice.... I wonder how...."

Me - "Just clean it up...................."


Damned if I'm gonna play maid to a grown man...

Your first view into the anomoly that is, IR....

Just playin with my Christmas present to myself... :)











How long do you think that's been filling up?

In the door he comes and..........

IR - "Snakes and ice cream?"

Me - "..........Excuse me?"

IR - "Snakes and ice cream? I got movies and sweets."

Me - "Nooooooooo thanks."


So, as of right now he sits back there munching/crunching on popcorn (2-3 bag a day habit), which was immediately preceeded by a bowl of ice cream, and watching "Anacondas".

Now, to help you understand why I refuse to watch a movie while IR is in the building, here's a short impersonation of the event.

Movie-black text IR-red text

So, tell crunchcrunch howcrunch youcrunchsmick camesmick smackaboutsmick knowledgecrunchsmack to smack able toHell, we know how he did it, tell us WHY he did it? ?

Wellsmack Bill, I simply aquiredsmack smack, Why do ya think they picked this guy to play this role? and the rest, ascrunchcrunch, is BURRRRP.

Kill Bill?

So here I was, watching a documentary/report type thing of an old Japanese guy who made a Katana 'in the old way' with folded steel and everything. They were shooting at it with a .50 cal machine gun in some sort of weird test of it's strength. To it's credit, it took 6 hits before it broke. That's quite a blade...

Anyway, while they're interviewing the old guy that made this one, IR looks over and...


IR - "Kill Bill?"

Me - "What?"

IR - "Kill Bill?"

Me - "What?"

IR - "Watchin Kill Bill?"

Me - "...........No. It's an interview."

IR - "Ohhhhhhh... About Kill Bill?"

Me - ".......................No."

IR - "Ohhhhhhhhh"

Which do you like better?

IR - "Which do you like better, particleboard or pressboard?"

Me - ".........um. They're pretty much the same."

IR - "Well, particleboard always seemed to me to be sawdust and glue."

Me - "That's exactly what it is."

IR - "hm. Well, ya know, pressboard is at least woodchips, ya know, like real wood."


Me - "Yyyyeaaaahhh...."

Let the biatching begin!!!

IR was upstairs almost all night... Note the 'almost'...

He thudded down the stairs a little while ago, and by the time his hoof hit the bottom step, he was already bitchin.

IR - "Well, I talked to the boss today, well, I say I talked to him, I let him know what I thought about this whole situation but he started it by bringing it up when he said something about blah blah blah blah and then, ya know, I had to tell him blah bah blah and he just doesn't, ya know, get it so I had to blah blah blah and I asked him, well I say I asked him, I confronted him about blah blah blah ya know ya know intriguiging ya know ya know blah blah.."
*This went on for about 15 minutes*


What all this boils down to is that IR himself doesn't agree with bonehead's work ethic and takes it out on his boss. Granted, it sounds like bonehead is a real 'winner' in the workplace if you listen to IR but this whole big issue is all on IR's head. IR has pushed and pushed for over a year to get this guy fired and since his boss won't bow to his wishes he's simply going to quit and find something else. This all draws back to that old "I'm so intelligent" issue he seems to have had forever, and it makes him try so hard to prove it that he gets into situations like this.

One line on his resume even reads "I've been told by many people that I "have a good head on my shoulders"."

*sigh*

Hari Kiri?

Oh death to me had I forgotten to post this one....


IR slothed his way inside the other day with another bag o-goodies from the flea market. This time, he pulls out a long rectangular box and says "Check this out."

I glance at the box, and plainly written on it are the words;

Hari Kiri Dagger

Sooooo..... I re-read it to make sure, glance up at him then pull out this faux wooden sheath/matching handled tanto blade.

Me - "So.... You bought a suicide knife?"

IR - "Oh.. I did? How do ya figure?"

Me - *handing the box back* "What does the box say?"

IR - "Oohhhhhh.... I didn't notice that."

Me - "You bought it on looks, huh?" **Note - CHEEEAAAPPPPP**

IR - "eeeeeheeheeeee Yeah, I guess I did."

Me - "Whatcha gonna use it for?"

IR - "Oh, nothin."

So I hand it back to him and go back to my work.

The mind boggles.......

I'm sure there's a brain in there somewhere....

IR came down a little while ago and plopped a floppy disk down on my desk.
Kinda slowly half pointing at it once or twice, he said..

IR - "Take a look at that for me when you get a chance. It's my resume."

Since I was in the middle of encoding a DVD I said simply "Sure, soon as this is done."

When my PC was free, I called up his resume, looked it over, and all looking as well as it could tossed it back on the table next to him saying "Looks good first time around.".

He sat and stared at it like it was an alien, then stared at me while I stared back. Finally, after about 15 seconds he says...

IR - "You make a printout?"

Me - "No, you said to look at it, right?"

IR - *more staring* "No, I uhh.. ya know, need a printout of it so I can put it in that resume software."

Me - "........You have a file of it... Right on that disk."

IR - *more staring - Eyes flicking back and forth between the alien diskette and me* "Well, ya know, ya know, I want to put it in the resume program I bought. I figure I should use it since I, ya know, already paid for it."

Me - *givng up on simple logic* "So you're going to put it in your scanner and OCR it?"

IR - "Scanner?"

Me - "Yeah, if you need a paper copy of this to put in your resume software, the only way to put the paper copy into it is to scan it in."

IR - "Oh, I don't have a scanner, I was just gonna, ya know, type it back in."

Me - *completely given up now* *prints copy* "There ya go."

IR - *looking over printout* Oh, hm. hm. This doesn't look like my latest."

Me - "It's what's on the disk."

IR - "hm. .......hm. There wasn't another one on there?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "hm." *heads back upstairs to do..... whatever*

What a friggen woman!

Holy shit.. IR bolted through the door tonight and you would've sworn that Rosie O'Donnel had just showed up. One foot in the door and he started just a-bitchin.
Seems that a certain bonehead got a treat today, and it royally pissed IR off. Through all the ranting and raving, I was able to discern that there was a local boss, regional boss and some other boss all in town today and they had a luncheon to go to. Well, they picked an employee to accompany them, and the employee they picked was none other than the bonehead. I'm beginning to wonder if IR's self-inflicted personal lauds aren't a little bit skewed.
He now says he's going to quit this job and find a better one since "they apparently don't appreciate a superior work ethic."

So now he sits behind me inhaling today's bag-o-death, smacking and smicking himself silly while I listen to Disturbed on the headphones.

So, which is it gonna be............

Apparently IR went to church again today. He left this morning and didn't get back till about 4 pm. (Yay for day of peace!)

Immediately upon walking in the door he says;

IR - "I need your phone number."

Me - "Why?"

IR - "So I can call you when I'm at McDonalds to see if you, ya know, want somethin."

*While I appreciate the thought, he knows very well that I eat McDonalds about once every few months. He brings a bag-o-death home 3-4 nights a week.*

Me - "You know I don't eat that stuff nearly as much as you do."

IR - "eeeeheeeheeeeeeheeee Yeah, I guess not."

So, after demolishing the 99 cent heart attack special, (with plenty of Lycopene, I might add...) he then he pulls out a BlockBuster bag and says;

IR - "So, which is it gonna be?"

Me - *From across the room.....* "Huh?"

IR - *names off 2 X-Box games he rented, I forget the names...* "Super Ricer Racing Syndicate or blah blah blah" <--Not real names

Me - "....... Uhh.. I don't care, whatever you're gonna play."

So he fires up some rap infused, road ricer racing mess and I get to listen to rap for the next who-knows-how-long............. yay.

This just struck me as consumate IR....

I could SO see IR being embroiled in something like this....



hehehe

I'm having a good early afternoon.....

Call me an ass if you must....

I heated up the rest of the pizza from the other day, sat down at my desk to eat and have actually taken great joy at hearing IR back there sniffsniffsniffing himself silly. I know it's killing him with the smell of pizza/burgers wafting around. He even asked a few minutes ago, "Was there enough left for a full lunch?" to which I replied "Just enough.". Of course, a full lunch from the IR standpoint would be 2 pizza's worth.

After several minutes, he cracked open one of his topping off condiments and started stuffing. The stuffing was of course accompanied by much smicking and smacking. So, this time, I felt oblidged to return the favor by smacking and smicking as loudly as I could without it being overly obvious that it was intentional.

Beyond that, he went and bought Mechwarrior 4 Vengeance yesterday (4 year old game), which has a hard time running under Windows XP. (This is verified by looking through the support FAQ from M$ on this game.) He all but insisted that I install it, so to shut him up I did. It didn't run properly as I suspected. First, it needed compressed audio. (Something apparently not loaded by default on XP Pro.) Then, it took 2-3 minutes to do anything at all after launching the program. He watched all this take place and so knows that it doesn't run easily.
He just dropped by my desk to ask if it needed a joystick, which I told him it didn't need one, but you could use one. He picked up his joystick from his old junkpile of stuff behind the couch, grabbed up the game and headed upstairs.

*sigh*

One thing I've always wondered about concerts....

DTS and....

GruuuuNNNT down on the couch. Clicks on TV. TV is warming up and.......

IR - "Ya know, that's one thing I've always wondered. How could you go to a concert and sit like, ya know, MILES away?"


Damned if I'm gonna answer that one....


Then..

IR - "You eat any cereal yet?"

Me - "Nope, haven't even thought about it."

IR - "hm."

**He's been after me to eat his damned granola cereal for a few days now. Almost every morning "Didja eat any yet?". I'm getting tired of saying NO.

Burger?

DTS, and...

There I sat in plain sight eating pizza.


IR - "sniff sniff sniffsniffsniff *Looking right at plate* .... Burgers?"

Me - "............"

IR - "Ohhhh... sniffsniff sniff sniff... PIZZAAAAAAA!!!"

Me - *Shakes head and keeps eating.*

He walked all the way into the kitchen still sniffsniffsniffing...




ps - He was coming downstairs to get dinner #2 for the night... Exercise and weight loss my ass.

Kleptomaniacs are a problem....

*The "Down the stairs he comes" intros will now be notated as "DTS". (Down the stairs)


DTS....

And while I'm trying to do some video editing starts yabbering on about his sister's husband's brother (or some crap), whom he got a job at his place of employment, and how he's such a screwup. I heard about this guy last year, about how the boss had been writing him up constantly (not without merit though), and building a solid case for dismissal after the beginning of the year. (After inventory was complete.) Well, here we are a year later and this bonehead is still there, and all the talk about having built a solid case to relieve him of his employment is on again.
(IR has been instrumental in this collection of 'the case' by complaining long and loud about the injustices he's received at the hands of said bonehead. Such as bonehead getting to take only a half hour lunch while IR is forced to take an hour long lunch. Or bonehead leaving a half hour earlier than IR because that's what his hours are. etc etc...)

So, tonight I get to hear about bonehead telling his boss on Friday, that he was going to call in sick Monday. Which he DID! **Is there any doubt about the family ties here????**

After several minutes of one sided discussion (half of which I didn't even hear), I manage to hear this...


IR - "And ya know, he's already used all his sick days, hell, he used'em before the halfway point of the year! Anyhow, he's said before that he's only, ya know, keeping this job because of the benefits. I mean, ya know, he needs the benefits cause he's a fricken kleptomaniac!
He's always sick!"

Then it kinda went back to Charlie Brown's teacher (whah whuh wuh whaa whaaah) as I went back to concentrating on my work..

June???

Down the stairs and.....



IR - "Good thing it's June."

Me - ".....uhh.. What?"

IR - "Good thing it's June otherwise this weather would seem weird."

Me - "Yeah, uhhh.. I guess soooo........"


I absolutely, catagorically REFUSE to take that one step further!

IR the builder?

Well, no church again for IR today...


And there has been much drilling and hammering going on up in the bunker..


One can only wonder...........

Another BIG Shout Out to.....

ProbeTalk.com


If any readers are Ford Probe drivers, then ProbeTalk is a level 1 resource for anything you need to know about your car.

You remember my post about the 3 cylinder engine, right? The people over at ProbeTalk were infinately helpful in solving some of the issues I had with the car. It now runs like a dream!

Thanks ProbeTalk!