Owned by a 10 year old...

My little girl is over this weekend, and she got a big box of beads, string and a book about tying knots. (For making bracelets, necklaces, etc)

Well, good ole supremely intelligent IR took the book from her so he could show her "how to do it".

First, he complained that there wasn't anything in the book that actually "shows you how to tie these knots".

My daughter glanced over and pointed out the pictures that PLAINLY showed the proper way to tie them.

Well, the whole thing went something like this...


IR - "Well, ya know, there's really nothing, ya know, in here that shows you how to tie these things."

10yo - "Yes there are, right there."

IR - "hm. Well... That doesn't really show you step by step how to, ya know, do it." *major confused look*

Me - "What do you want, a video? It's a book!"

IR - "hm."

10yo - "Look, like this." *proceeds to tie the knot on the first try* "This goes over this one, and through here, then pull this one aannddd....." *knot is complete*

IR - "hm."

Me - *suppressing the hell out of major laughter*

Updated the blogroll...

Sorry to those that have been left off for so long, but I finally got off my lazy ass and updated all the ones that showed as having sent hits my way.

Thanks and Happy Holidays! (Whether you like it or not.. nyah)

To see them, you'll have to use http://www.NO-LONGER-ACTIVE.com cause they're not on the blog directly.

The game continues....

Let's see...

So far he's been on a couple of 'quests'.... Killed a buncha squealing pygmy ahgruhs.... Solved a few puzzles, and upon being tasked with getting back to the 'guild hall' to collect a quest card...


IR - "I would if these WANKERS would stop harassing me!"


Now, I'm no ahgruh slayer but I'm pretty sure they didn't name one of the beasties "wanker" in that game. It would be funny though..

"You're being attacked by a level 12 WANKER!"

The Wanker swings a 'Ninny Stick' and does 4 points Charisma damage.
The Wanker taunts for -3 mana.
You swing your Mighty Spoon of Wanker slaying! (+9 against Wankers)
The Wanker side steps your swing and bitch slaps you for 15 points ego damage!
Regaining your senses, (while the Wanker continues to taunt) you draw your secret weapon.
The Ultimate Sparkling Twig of Infinite Shineyness is now in your hand.
The Wanker is spellbound by it's mighty visage, and can only utter "Ooooooo Shiinneeyyyy" over and over again.
With a powerful gruuuunt, you plant the Ultimate Sparkling Twig of Infinite Shineyness into the loamy earth, at which time it grows with astonishing speed into the Ultimate TREE of Infinite Shineyness!
Wankers start coming from miles around, mesmerized by the spectacle.
You add another notch to your Scabbard of Ubberness and make your way back to the guild hall.

The most annoying game..... EVER....

As I sit here and type, I'm listening to the most horrendous thing.
It's an XBox game, and I don't know the name, but it's filled with actor's voiceovers comprised of the worst "Cockney" accents you could ever imagine! It's absolutely horrid!
But there he sits, chatting with the screen, answering questions audibly as well as with a button click. I've put together a small sample of it LINK REMOVED. I had the little camera I got set on low cause it's only got 16 megs of onboard memory, so excuse the nasty picture. But listen to those voices! I doubt I'll have any hair by the end of the hour....
You can also see IR's head covering up about 1/2 of the 25" tv screen....

Okay, charity and holiday spirit is officially gone.

Nope, not feelin charitable at all. So far, I've had a day filled with about a hundred "eeeeheee look at this" 's, stupid questions galore, smick smack smickity, and finally tonight I've had enough.

I just went into the kitchen to fix some dinner. While I've got the stove warming up............


IR - "Hey, before you start anything else, why don't you try some of that, ya know, granola cereal?"

Me - ".........................Man, you're just not gonna give up on that are ya? Do I HAVE to eat it to get you to quit askin about it?"

IR - *wide eyed - shakes head no*

Meanwhile, I go to step over to the stove and find my foot (with sock on) somewhat stuck to the floor. I peel it up, and there's a big blotch of green goo down there. IR's ice cream from earlier......

Me - "You wanna come in here and clean up your mess too?"

IR - "Huh? What mess?"

Me - "The green one on the floor that I just stepped in."

IR - "Oh, I didn't see.... I hadn't notice.... I wonder how...."

Me - "Just clean it up...................."


Damned if I'm gonna play maid to a grown man...

Your first view into the anomoly that is, IR....

Just playin with my Christmas present to myself... :)











How long do you think that's been filling up?

In the door he comes and..........

IR - "Snakes and ice cream?"

Me - "..........Excuse me?"

IR - "Snakes and ice cream? I got movies and sweets."

Me - "Nooooooooo thanks."


So, as of right now he sits back there munching/crunching on popcorn (2-3 bag a day habit), which was immediately preceeded by a bowl of ice cream, and watching "Anacondas".

Now, to help you understand why I refuse to watch a movie while IR is in the building, here's a short impersonation of the event.

Movie-black text IR-red text

So, tell crunchcrunch howcrunch youcrunchsmick camesmick smackaboutsmick knowledgecrunchsmack to smack able toHell, we know how he did it, tell us WHY he did it? ?

Wellsmack Bill, I simply aquiredsmack smack, Why do ya think they picked this guy to play this role? and the rest, ascrunchcrunch, is BURRRRP.

Kill Bill?

So here I was, watching a documentary/report type thing of an old Japanese guy who made a Katana 'in the old way' with folded steel and everything. They were shooting at it with a .50 cal machine gun in some sort of weird test of it's strength. To it's credit, it took 6 hits before it broke. That's quite a blade...

Anyway, while they're interviewing the old guy that made this one, IR looks over and...


IR - "Kill Bill?"

Me - "What?"

IR - "Kill Bill?"

Me - "What?"

IR - "Watchin Kill Bill?"

Me - "...........No. It's an interview."

IR - "Ohhhhhhh... About Kill Bill?"

Me - ".......................No."

IR - "Ohhhhhhhhh"

Which do you like better?

IR - "Which do you like better, particleboard or pressboard?"

Me - ".........um. They're pretty much the same."

IR - "Well, particleboard always seemed to me to be sawdust and glue."

Me - "That's exactly what it is."

IR - "hm. Well, ya know, pressboard is at least woodchips, ya know, like real wood."


Me - "Yyyyeaaaahhh...."

Let the biatching begin!!!

IR was upstairs almost all night... Note the 'almost'...

He thudded down the stairs a little while ago, and by the time his hoof hit the bottom step, he was already bitchin.

IR - "Well, I talked to the boss today, well, I say I talked to him, I let him know what I thought about this whole situation but he started it by bringing it up when he said something about blah blah blah blah and then, ya know, I had to tell him blah bah blah and he just doesn't, ya know, get it so I had to blah blah blah and I asked him, well I say I asked him, I confronted him about blah blah blah ya know ya know intriguiging ya know ya know blah blah.."
*This went on for about 15 minutes*


What all this boils down to is that IR himself doesn't agree with bonehead's work ethic and takes it out on his boss. Granted, it sounds like bonehead is a real 'winner' in the workplace if you listen to IR but this whole big issue is all on IR's head. IR has pushed and pushed for over a year to get this guy fired and since his boss won't bow to his wishes he's simply going to quit and find something else. This all draws back to that old "I'm so intelligent" issue he seems to have had forever, and it makes him try so hard to prove it that he gets into situations like this.

One line on his resume even reads "I've been told by many people that I "have a good head on my shoulders"."

*sigh*

Hari Kiri?

Oh death to me had I forgotten to post this one....


IR slothed his way inside the other day with another bag o-goodies from the flea market. This time, he pulls out a long rectangular box and says "Check this out."

I glance at the box, and plainly written on it are the words;

Hari Kiri Dagger

Sooooo..... I re-read it to make sure, glance up at him then pull out this faux wooden sheath/matching handled tanto blade.

Me - "So.... You bought a suicide knife?"

IR - "Oh.. I did? How do ya figure?"

Me - *handing the box back* "What does the box say?"

IR - "Oohhhhhh.... I didn't notice that."

Me - "You bought it on looks, huh?" **Note - CHEEEAAAPPPPP**

IR - "eeeeeheeheeeee Yeah, I guess I did."

Me - "Whatcha gonna use it for?"

IR - "Oh, nothin."

So I hand it back to him and go back to my work.

The mind boggles.......

I'm sure there's a brain in there somewhere....

IR came down a little while ago and plopped a floppy disk down on my desk.
Kinda slowly half pointing at it once or twice, he said..

IR - "Take a look at that for me when you get a chance. It's my resume."

Since I was in the middle of encoding a DVD I said simply "Sure, soon as this is done."

When my PC was free, I called up his resume, looked it over, and all looking as well as it could tossed it back on the table next to him saying "Looks good first time around.".

He sat and stared at it like it was an alien, then stared at me while I stared back. Finally, after about 15 seconds he says...

IR - "You make a printout?"

Me - "No, you said to look at it, right?"

IR - *more staring* "No, I uhh.. ya know, need a printout of it so I can put it in that resume software."

Me - "........You have a file of it... Right on that disk."

IR - *more staring - Eyes flicking back and forth between the alien diskette and me* "Well, ya know, ya know, I want to put it in the resume program I bought. I figure I should use it since I, ya know, already paid for it."

Me - *givng up on simple logic* "So you're going to put it in your scanner and OCR it?"

IR - "Scanner?"

Me - "Yeah, if you need a paper copy of this to put in your resume software, the only way to put the paper copy into it is to scan it in."

IR - "Oh, I don't have a scanner, I was just gonna, ya know, type it back in."

Me - *completely given up now* *prints copy* "There ya go."

IR - *looking over printout* Oh, hm. hm. This doesn't look like my latest."

Me - "It's what's on the disk."

IR - "hm. .......hm. There wasn't another one on there?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "hm." *heads back upstairs to do..... whatever*

What a friggen woman!

Holy shit.. IR bolted through the door tonight and you would've sworn that Rosie O'Donnel had just showed up. One foot in the door and he started just a-bitchin.
Seems that a certain bonehead got a treat today, and it royally pissed IR off. Through all the ranting and raving, I was able to discern that there was a local boss, regional boss and some other boss all in town today and they had a luncheon to go to. Well, they picked an employee to accompany them, and the employee they picked was none other than the bonehead. I'm beginning to wonder if IR's self-inflicted personal lauds aren't a little bit skewed.
He now says he's going to quit this job and find a better one since "they apparently don't appreciate a superior work ethic."

So now he sits behind me inhaling today's bag-o-death, smacking and smicking himself silly while I listen to Disturbed on the headphones.

So, which is it gonna be............

Apparently IR went to church again today. He left this morning and didn't get back till about 4 pm. (Yay for day of peace!)

Immediately upon walking in the door he says;

IR - "I need your phone number."

Me - "Why?"

IR - "So I can call you when I'm at McDonalds to see if you, ya know, want somethin."

*While I appreciate the thought, he knows very well that I eat McDonalds about once every few months. He brings a bag-o-death home 3-4 nights a week.*

Me - "You know I don't eat that stuff nearly as much as you do."

IR - "eeeeheeeheeeeeeheeee Yeah, I guess not."

So, after demolishing the 99 cent heart attack special, (with plenty of Lycopene, I might add...) he then he pulls out a BlockBuster bag and says;

IR - "So, which is it gonna be?"

Me - *From across the room.....* "Huh?"

IR - *names off 2 X-Box games he rented, I forget the names...* "Super Ricer Racing Syndicate or blah blah blah" <--Not real names

Me - "....... Uhh.. I don't care, whatever you're gonna play."

So he fires up some rap infused, road ricer racing mess and I get to listen to rap for the next who-knows-how-long............. yay.

This just struck me as consumate IR....

I could SO see IR being embroiled in something like this....



hehehe

I'm having a good early afternoon.....

Call me an ass if you must....

I heated up the rest of the pizza from the other day, sat down at my desk to eat and have actually taken great joy at hearing IR back there sniffsniffsniffing himself silly. I know it's killing him with the smell of pizza/burgers wafting around. He even asked a few minutes ago, "Was there enough left for a full lunch?" to which I replied "Just enough.". Of course, a full lunch from the IR standpoint would be 2 pizza's worth.

After several minutes, he cracked open one of his topping off condiments and started stuffing. The stuffing was of course accompanied by much smicking and smacking. So, this time, I felt oblidged to return the favor by smacking and smicking as loudly as I could without it being overly obvious that it was intentional.

Beyond that, he went and bought Mechwarrior 4 Vengeance yesterday (4 year old game), which has a hard time running under Windows XP. (This is verified by looking through the support FAQ from M$ on this game.) He all but insisted that I install it, so to shut him up I did. It didn't run properly as I suspected. First, it needed compressed audio. (Something apparently not loaded by default on XP Pro.) Then, it took 2-3 minutes to do anything at all after launching the program. He watched all this take place and so knows that it doesn't run easily.
He just dropped by my desk to ask if it needed a joystick, which I told him it didn't need one, but you could use one. He picked up his joystick from his old junkpile of stuff behind the couch, grabbed up the game and headed upstairs.

*sigh*

One thing I've always wondered about concerts....

DTS and....

GruuuuNNNT down on the couch. Clicks on TV. TV is warming up and.......

IR - "Ya know, that's one thing I've always wondered. How could you go to a concert and sit like, ya know, MILES away?"


Damned if I'm gonna answer that one....


Then..

IR - "You eat any cereal yet?"

Me - "Nope, haven't even thought about it."

IR - "hm."

**He's been after me to eat his damned granola cereal for a few days now. Almost every morning "Didja eat any yet?". I'm getting tired of saying NO.

Burger?

DTS, and...

There I sat in plain sight eating pizza.


IR - "sniff sniff sniffsniffsniff *Looking right at plate* .... Burgers?"

Me - "............"

IR - "Ohhhh... sniffsniff sniff sniff... PIZZAAAAAAA!!!"

Me - *Shakes head and keeps eating.*

He walked all the way into the kitchen still sniffsniffsniffing...




ps - He was coming downstairs to get dinner #2 for the night... Exercise and weight loss my ass.

Kleptomaniacs are a problem....

*The "Down the stairs he comes" intros will now be notated as "DTS". (Down the stairs)


DTS....

And while I'm trying to do some video editing starts yabbering on about his sister's husband's brother (or some crap), whom he got a job at his place of employment, and how he's such a screwup. I heard about this guy last year, about how the boss had been writing him up constantly (not without merit though), and building a solid case for dismissal after the beginning of the year. (After inventory was complete.) Well, here we are a year later and this bonehead is still there, and all the talk about having built a solid case to relieve him of his employment is on again.
(IR has been instrumental in this collection of 'the case' by complaining long and loud about the injustices he's received at the hands of said bonehead. Such as bonehead getting to take only a half hour lunch while IR is forced to take an hour long lunch. Or bonehead leaving a half hour earlier than IR because that's what his hours are. etc etc...)

So, tonight I get to hear about bonehead telling his boss on Friday, that he was going to call in sick Monday. Which he DID! **Is there any doubt about the family ties here????**

After several minutes of one sided discussion (half of which I didn't even hear), I manage to hear this...


IR - "And ya know, he's already used all his sick days, hell, he used'em before the halfway point of the year! Anyhow, he's said before that he's only, ya know, keeping this job because of the benefits. I mean, ya know, he needs the benefits cause he's a fricken kleptomaniac!
He's always sick!"

Then it kinda went back to Charlie Brown's teacher (whah whuh wuh whaa whaaah) as I went back to concentrating on my work..

June???

Down the stairs and.....



IR - "Good thing it's June."

Me - ".....uhh.. What?"

IR - "Good thing it's June otherwise this weather would seem weird."

Me - "Yeah, uhhh.. I guess soooo........"


I absolutely, catagorically REFUSE to take that one step further!

IR the builder?

Well, no church again for IR today...


And there has been much drilling and hammering going on up in the bunker..


One can only wonder...........

Another BIG Shout Out to.....

ProbeTalk.com


If any readers are Ford Probe drivers, then ProbeTalk is a level 1 resource for anything you need to know about your car.

You remember my post about the 3 cylinder engine, right? The people over at ProbeTalk were infinately helpful in solving some of the issues I had with the car. It now runs like a dream!

Thanks ProbeTalk!

IR logic at it's best.....

This is simply..... Well... I'll let you decide.


IR was complaining earlier about needing to change cell phone companies.

Why you ask? (Yes, I asked...)

IR - "Well, a week after the bill was due and hasn't been paid, they cut the phone off. I mean, it's not like I'm not gonna, ya know, ya know, pay it."

Me - "Sooo... It's due like the 12th, and a week later, since it hasn't been paid, they cut it off. That sounds pretty normal to me."

IR - "Well, ya know, it's not that it hasn't been paid, just that it hasn't been paid yet."

Me - "And they know this..... How?"

IR - "They should know by now since I pay it over a week late, ya know, every month."

Me - "So it gets cut off every month...."

IR - "Yeah, that's why I'm gonna look for another company."

MAH-GAWK!!

So I just went out to grab some lunch. Ended up getting some Popeyes chicken strips and some spicey honey mustard. MMmmmm MM!

I get home, come in the door and hear...


IR - MAH-GAWK!!

I stopped dead in my tracks....

Me - "What the HELL?"

IR - "I see you got chicken."

Me - merely shakes head and goes elsewhere to eat....

Today's story of gluttony brought to you by.....

3 bowls of cereal, "topped off" by a bag of nucular popcorn.



btw, I still don't see any definite signs of weight loss or anything.


IR skipped church today too....


And he bought a new video game...


Hmmmmmmm..........

Lemme tell you about.... Lycopene.

I almost forgot about this one....

Some while back, IR had purchased a gallon or so of Heinz ketchup. (I don't touch Heinz products personally, but that's just me...) He immediately noticed a large label on the back proclaiming the bottle's abundance of something called "Lycopene". Somehow, this "Lycopene" became a staple of his diet and vocabulary for the next several months. At almost every meal, he would joyfully thud into the kitchen and retrieve his preciousssssss while chanting "Ly-coPENE, Ly-coPENE, Ly-coPENE". He even walked by one evening while I was eating and asked, "You want some Lycopene for that?"


*sigh*


Sorry, just decided to take a detour down horror lane for a while there...

Back to square one?

You know the routine by now....


Down the stairs...

GR-U-U-U-U-U-NTS down on couch....

Clicks the TV on and....

IR - "I don't know if you'd want to repeat'em, then you'd be right back at square one."




Eh?

Masters of the Universe??

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to do..... anything, ya know?


I was sitting here watching Heavy Metal 2000 when IR came down this morning.

He grunted down on his couch, looked over and....


IR - "Hm.. Masters of the Universe?"

Me - ".............What?" *As the scene where the attack on FAKK2 is taking place. People dying, blood flying, etc*

IR - "That's Masters of the Universe, right?"

Me - "You mean that old 80's cartoon? Oh hell no, this is Heavy Metal 2000.."

IR - "Ohhhhhh... eeeeeheeeheeeeeee That one guy looked like Skeletor."

Me - ".............."

I can't even get in the door good before it starts

Anyway, I got home tonight from work, opened the door, got one foot inside on the floor and......


IR - "So didja hear, SMACK SMACK, about the hunter that, ya know, killed, well they say he was a hunter, but the hunting incident where the 2 people got killed?

Me - *stops in doorway, with door open* "I heard about a hunter that killed 5 people."

IR - "Well, it apparently wasn't 5 people that he killed. SMACK SMACK, when I heard about it I went and, ya know, googled it and read some of the local writeups. Well, local for the place where it actually happened instead of, ya know, the BBC. (Editor's note - He reads the BBC for US news???) Anyhow, it turns out that he only killed like, ya know, 2 people, and the other ones died by falling out of trees or somethin."

Me - "Oh.. I didn't hear anything about that on CNN, Fox or Reuters."

IR - "Well, ya know, that's cause you gotta go to the source. SMACK SMACK. His name was Chang or somethin."

Me - "Oooookaaay..."

This is the occurrance he's butchering with his 'research'...

NEWS FLASH!

The IRB now has it's own domain!


http://www.IT'S NOT THERE ANYMORE.com


Please update your bookmarks.

http://www.IT'S NOT THERE ANYMORE.com is now live!


WooHoo!

A picture is worth.....

A thousand headaches.....

[image deleted]


Yeah, so it's not 'technically' a picture. Sue me...

Translator needed....

I need the following words/phrases translated...


"Whudafuhhzzaa"

"Minehdurahzh"

and

"Whyderuhfazzuhh"




These were uttered during Shrek 2.


Nooo... Not by Shrek or some other cartoon character.


By IR. It was like he was trying to say something, but just couldn't muster the strength to move his jaws properly..

Anyone? Anyone?

*Shakes head*...............

So, IR had "Van Helsing" playing a little while ago, and if you've ever seen it, you'll know the part I'm talking about.


Van Helsing, the girl and the monk-guy are all outside Dracula's castle and looking for a way in. Van Helsing, since he's part werewolf now, grabs them and quite literally 'bounds' up the wall.

Upon seeing this, IR cranes his neck around to tell me....


IR - "Well, it's only fitting since he played Wolverine in X-Men.. heeee hhhhheeee ehhhhhh"

Let the noise BEGIN!!

Just got down from taking a shower upstairs. While I was up there, I could hear the TV blaring like hell. This was highly noticeable even while I was IN the shower.
Once out, the noise level naturally increased to fever pitch (and this was upstairs through a closed door) and was only drowned out once....



What could have possibly drowned out a stereo TV set at about 85% volume?




B-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-P-P-P-P-P-P-P

Again, this came from downstairs through a closed door.

I think I even felt it through the floor......

It's been pretty quiet around here...

With the exception of another shopping trip in which IR brought home another 3 cases of water, a crate's worth of dry cereal, and the nightly grunts and groans which are the results of his "getting in shape", he's been keeping pretty much to the Bunker of Light.
I'm goin out tonight, so I'll miss whatever's on his agenda, but I'll surely have some new stuff to post come this weekend....

Another classic "WTF" moment....

IR comes tromping down the stairs, sets a bottle of water down on the table and says...

IR - "So I guess he recognized the laughter, huh?"

Then he immediately proceeded into the kitchen for one of his 2 bowls full of something for dinner..

A commercial for the new "Pilot" SUV was just ending as he walked into the room, and there was no laughter on it. I hadn't said a word yet either..


All together now...





"WTF?!?"

It's gonna be a looooooooooong night....

Being election night and all, IR will very likely spend the entire night down here, crunching, slurping, burping and smacking between his idiotic commentaries at the tv.

I'll attempt to use this post to provide a play by play of the upcoming ignorance.

Unless of course, it gets to a point where I simply can't stand it....

Wish me luck. (Note - I'm putting my sanity on the line for you people... I expect at least a cookie dammit!)
*Note - IR is also sitting about 5 feet behind me throughout this live blogging*

A bag of nuclear popcorn is currently being devoured, in individual nuggets of course.
*Endless crunch crunch crunches....*
*BUUURP*
*Finishes popcorn, digs into big box-o-candy left over from Halloween.
*smick-slurp-smack* (Will continue for the next hour or so....)
IR - "Kerry'll probably take California, huh? With the gays, Hollywood and such? Lotsa big money there."
*Channel flipping starts*
*more candy*
*Watching Fox News report, while they report 'projected' states won by Kerry*
IR - "Isn't Fox supposed to be pro-Bush?"
Me - "What're they supposed to do, lie to make it sound like Bush is doing better than he is?"
IR - "smick-slurp-smack hm."
*more candy*
IR - "You know what's interesting is that all the other, ya know, countries have taken such an interest in this election. Of course, they all want Kerry to, ya know, win."
*more candy*
Me - "I don't think nearly all of them want Kerry to win."
IR - "Well, ya know, almost all."
Me - "Not even almost all."
IR - "hm. hm.. I'm sure at least the French do since he's French. smick smack smick"
Me - "..........."
*more candy*
*channel flipping again*
*candy appears to be finished now...*
IR - "Talking, yakking...."
*local news showing a live broadcast from inside a polling place*
IR - "LIVE! LOOK AT THAT! I BET THAT WAS THIS AFTERNOON! LOOK HOW BRIGHT IT IS!"
Me - "It's inside."
IR - "Oh, yeah, that's what I was just thinkin."
*live broadcast is from Bakersfield*
IR - "Bakersfield? What's that?"
Me - "..... uhhhh.... a town?" /sarcasm
IR - "What is that, like some, uhhhh, conglomeration of Baker and Brownsfield?"
Me - "No, it's Bakersfield."
*IR dives back into the candy box*
IR - "Ohh..hm. smickity smack slurp"
*more candy*
*looking at Leslie Stahl on tv*
IR - "Look at that hair! It's like, uhhh, wings! Like the flying nun, yaknowwhutI'msayin?"
Me - "heh.... It's just hair."
IR - "meh"
*more candy*
*guy on tv mentions 'punch card ballots'*
IR - "Eh uh uh!?!? Ok, let's get ready for those hanging chaps again!"
Me - ".........." (simply shakes head in disbelief) *Note - Yes, he said CHAPS.*
*more candy*
*more candy*
"BUUURP!"
*goes into kitchen, fiddles with microwave, get's something out of the fridge, returns to couch*
IR - "gruUUNT"
*more candy*


Ok, that's enough... I can't STAND the smicking smacking shit anymore. I can't suffer through his piss poor eating habits another second. Keep the cookie, just send me some valium.



ps- *more candy*



*UPDATE 11/3/04**

Well, the tally after me putting on my headphones last night was;

Another couple of handfuls of candies, resulting in a rather large mountain of wrappers left on the table.
Another bag of nucular popcorn.
3 bottles of water
and
A can of something. (I'm thinking chili, but haven't looked)

NEWS FLASH

Police: Man Stabbed Roommate 35 Times With Sword, Knife

Police arrested a 22-year-old Central Florida man Sunday for allegedly stabbing his roommate 35 times with a sword and knife for no apparent reason, according to Local 6 News. *more*


I bet I know why...... Most likely the stabbee used all the stabber's mayonnaise!

And then there was..... gravy.

Got home tonight to find IR splayed out on his couch. I mean that quite literally too. It was frightening to say the least. It's not like he wasn't clothed, but the position was.... Ewww
As I made my way past, making sure to avert my eyes towards the wall, he spoke.

IR - "There's some gravy on the stove in there if you, ya know, want some."

Me - "Gravy?"

IR - "Yeah, I decided to use it before it went bad."

*This was a can of gravy.*

Me - "............Okaaaay..."

So out of sheer morbid curiosity I make my way into the kitchen, and he wasn't kidding. There was only gravy on the stove. No other pots, pans or extra dishes in the sink. Nothing new in the garbage either, like a fast food container or anything.

What'd he do, have a gravy milkshake for dinner?

Checks and balances...

IR goes to church now every Sunday morning at about 9am, and doesn't get back around here till about 2pm or 2:30. There's 5 points right there.

Next, each Sunday afternoon when he gets back, he does the dishes that he's piled up over the last week. (At least he puts them in the dishwasher, they'll get done once it's full.) There's 5 more points.

After that, he gets a big plate of something and plops down on his couch and begins to feed. This is always accompanied by a litany of slurps, smacks and burps. Ooops.. -5 points.

During the feeding, he commences to changing the channels on the TV regardless of what's on, or if I'm watching it. -10 points.

A further 10 points are lost by his consistently surprised reactions once he notices the look of disgust on my face as I get up to go do something else and he has to ask, "Oh, were you watching that?" Normally, when someone is sitting facing the tv, and it's on, it means they're watching it.

So, by 2:30pm each Sunday, and only after about 10 minutes of exposure, IR has built up a negative 15 points on the Annoy-O-Meter. (Negative points are counted as 'high' on the Annoy-O-Meter.)

WHYYYYYYYYY MCA!

I guess the Lord is bein good to IR. He was talking early this afternoon about getting in shape (you know, the whole 'your body is a temple' thing) and describing how he's been watching what he eats (yeah, all the way from the plate to his face).

So, he went out this evening and bought 2 pairs of shoes, (one pair of cross-trainers and a pair of 'running shoes'), a gym bag, gym clothes, a membership at the WHYMCA, and.....












an extra large pizza.


*sigh*

Gotta give a loud shout out to....

Countville.com

The people who run it are top notch. If you need a website counter with lots of really nice features, give them a shot. You won't be sorry!

You know what they can't do......

*preface* I'm sitting here at the computer. "Becker" is on the TV.



Down the stairs he comes, plops down on the couch, waits a minute then....

IR - "Well, you know they can't let Iran get nukes."

Me - "Uhh.. What?"

IR - "Iran. They can't let'em get nukes."

Me - "............No, I suppose not."





???????????

It's a bad day to be IR....

I had to call IR down a little while ago, and I don't believe he's particularly happy about it. (Now, ask me if I care?)

He was about to put "The Day After Tomorrow" on the tv earlier, and my daughter said "Momma said I couldn't watch that." to which IR responded, "hm. Let's see.... (looks at back of DVD box for rating and such) Not rated for violence, language or anything like that, only for 'extreme scenes of peril'. heee eeeheeeeee eeee eeee eheeeee That should be okay." Then he proceeds to put the DVD into the player.
I was in the kitchen through this, watching with interest. I waited until he actually put the disc in before I ventured out to say something.

Me - "Don't you have a DVD player up in your room?"

IR - "Didja catch that? It's rated PG13 because of 'extreme scenes of peril', not language or violence. heeee ee e e e eeeeeeheeeeee"

Me - "I think I heard her say that her mother doesn't want her watching it."

IR - "meh. It should be okay, huh?" **The 'meh' thing is kindof a grunt type thing that he's started using recently to voice disproval.**

Me - "As far as I can tell, you were given your answer before you decided to just go ahead and put the damned thing in anyway."

IR - "But, it doesn't ha...."

Me - "I don't give a damn what it does or doesn't have! It's not your decision to make! You're welcome to take it up to your room and watch it, or wait until she's gone and watch it down here, but you won't push the play button on it while she's here, got it!?"

IR - *gruuuunt* (up off the couch) "Well, hm."

Then he simply turns off the XBox, puts on Disney Channel, grunts back down on his couch and sulks.

Efforts... must prove.... fruitful... (William Shatner voice)

IR came down this morning, all doodied up for the church thing. I decided that the proper course of action this morning, was to inquire about the 7th Day Adventist Church.

Me - "Off to church, eh?"

IR - "Yeah, gotta put in my service for the week."

Me - "Hm. hm... (I love doing that from time to time...) Ya know, I was doin some research on the whole church thing and was wonderin if you'd ever looked into the 7th Day Adventist Church?"

IR - "Yeah, but they didn't exactly, ya know, conform to my beliefs."

Me - "Orilly? (<--HAH!) That's kinda odd. From the research I did, they really seemed like the perfect church for the kind of things that you've spent so much time researching."

IR - "Well, ya know, that's just research, not necessarily what I, ya know, believe. I want to be able to get all the information I can, from every angle possible."

Me - "Even better then. The 7th Day Adventists can help you get those different angles a lot better than a straight laced Baptist church. Thier entire belief system is based on the end of the world. Ya know, the Rapture, Armageddon and all that."

IR - "Well, I just want to make sure that my efforts prove, ya know, fruitful."

Me - "Good enough, and good luck."

IR - "hm."

Hold me... I'm skeered.

*cue Twilight Zone™ music*

The BUNKER OF LIGHT is dark tonight. Eerily dark. Since my arrival this evening, there has been no trace of the IR outside of his bunker, with the exception of the HUGE bag of chocolate candies that's missing from his couch of fatitudinal greatness. None of the normal sounds have reassuringly emanated from the bunker, such as James Earl Jones' narration of The Bible, or Charleton Heston's booming voice calling for the parting of the Red Sea, or the cheesy 70's style "chika chika beow beow" pr0n music that's been known to escape the hallowed place from time to time. (Purely by accident, I'm sure....)

Something is odd this fine evening. Something not right.............. at all.

*enables downstairs zealot alarm system*

Update

Nothing new to report really, except that I've decided that the "cave" needs a new name.

Judging by the complete turnaround from ahgruh/wookie slayer to religious-zealot-intent-on-surviving-the-end-of-the-world, I think I shall now call his space....


**THE BUNKER OF LIGHT**

So, whaddya think?

The survival instinct is strong with this one.....

IR went out shopping again tonight, and was quite proud of his acquisitions.. He came in with bags o'goodies and just had to show them off.
In the bags he had..

A hiking backpack
signal mirror
waterproof matches
cable saw
fire starting blocks (2)
survival kit (in a sardine can, no shit....)


Now, upon seeing all this, I had to ask a few questions...

Me - "So, where you goin camping?"

IR - "Oh, nowhere.."

Me - "....... Ohhh.. Is this for the Rapture thing?"

IR - "NO!" (This being said in a VERY high pitched squeal, and immediately when my sentence was finished.)

Me - "heheh.. Okaaayy..."

If all this wasn't so damned funny, it'd be sad...

It's official....

IR is a church goer.. He's inflict... I mean, enlisted himself into one of the bigger Baptist churches in the area and I can only imagine what's going to become of said membership once he feels comfortable enough to start speaking out about his beliefs.

Understand first, that I'm not a believer in organized religion. I believe it's wholly counter productive to the belief system that it's supposed to enhance. But, beyond all that.... Can you imagine what it will be like for poor IR?

*imaginary conversation*

IR - "So, what are your thoughts on the, ya know, Rapture and the fact that it's right around the corner?"

Anonymous Churchy - "Huh?"

IR - "Well, I've been, ya know, researching a lot about it, and I've figured out that the aliens, which we all know are visiting us, are going to be the ones to bring on the ya know, Apocalypse."

Anonymous Churchy - "Okaaayy...... Helen, kids? C'mon, it's time to go."

Helen - "But honey, we just got here. The kids haven't done the scripture grab bag yet."

Anonymous Churchy - "Don't argue now sweetheart, believe me, it's time to go!" to IR - "We really must be going, my dog is sick and I need to trim the weeds around the back fence."

IR - "Orilly? hm.. hm." <-- stands there with that intense look on his face, that looks kinda like old Marlon Brando, constipated.

Anonymous Churchy - "Ok then. Bye now!" *poof*

IR - upon finding another churchy... "So, what are your thoughts on the, ya know, Rapture and the fact that it's right around the corner?"





Do they have blacklists in churches?

Survivor, the home game.

I almost forgot to mention this..

Apparently, in his zeal to survive the coming "Rapture", IR has began stocking up on survival gear. So far, I know that he's bought about 6 or 8 cases of bottled water, 2 long life flashlights, and 1 or 2 magnesium fire starting kits. I'm fairly sure there's much more up there in the cave of light, too...

Classic IR...

IR sits behind me currently watching a marching band competition. Throughout, he's proclaimed how he's always enjoyed watching these things.
The announcers were just speaking about 2 of the bands, saying that they were both top notch contenders and both had a chance at victory, which brought about this response from IR;

IR - (to TV) "Yeah, but I still bet only one of'em wins."

Longest conversation ever with IR....

I stand corrected...

My sincere apologies to "PoorBastidge" for doubting his story. (But if you knew him, you'd have no problem understanding why I would... He's a bigger goof than me!"





Just had a little chat with IR about a story I heard about in the comments of the post under this one, and it went something like this.

Me - "So, tell me about why you think I'm scared of you.?

IR - "Huh? Oh.. Ohh... I went by ********* ******** the other day and saw *****. I told him that I found Christ. (Not Jesus as previously reported apparently......:P) I don't think I used the word 'scared', but I meant that you just don't want me rambling."

Me - "Hell, I don't want anybody rambling. I just find it odd that that somehow got equated to fear. I mean, I fear FOR you at times.

IR - "heeeeeheeeeeeee heeeee eeeeee"

Me - "Seriously. There are times that you go waaaay over the edge with some of this stuff. Like the "codes in the printout" thing.

IR - "I've still got that, too. heeee hheeee Ya know, I'm just curious about it."

Me - "What's there to be curious about? It's a printout from either a corrupted printer spool or a corrupted que. There's nothing codish about it."

IR - "Well, I'm just, ya know, curious. I don't really expect to find anything."

Me - "Then there's the night you came down with a rather wild look on your face, telling me about the anti-Christ walkin around."

IR - "Yeah, I do get a little too involved at times with some things."

Me - "Those are the things that equate to fear if you wish to call it that, but it's not fear for me."

IR - "Hm. Well, I'll get a grip on it all. I just have so much to, ya know, learn."

Me - "Learning is fine. But learn the damn story, not what you think is supposed to be hidden under it. You're gonna miss the entire message that way."

IR - "Hm. Well, all I can do is learn it all."

Well THAT was weird.....

I got up a little early this morning, took a shower, then came back down here and started browsing the news sites. (I do that pretty much every morning, but this was at about 6:30am.)

I hear IR come tromping down the stairs, walk across the living room area, and stop.



Right behind me....



And stand there....



Not saying a word....


I turned my head a little to where I could see his shadow on the wall to my left (almost expecting to see a shadow with arm raised, holding a cross or something in attack mode), and say...


Me - "Can I help you?"

IR - "Oh! Nah.."

Me - ".................Is there some reason you need to stand right there?"

IR - *Thuds into kitchen without another word, then out the door to work.*



I think I'll be keeping my knife closeby from now on...

So, you remember when.......

IR bebopped through the door today, obviously happy with himself about something.

IR - "Remember the movie I've been telling you about? The one I keep, ya know, askin 'have you seen it have you seen it have you seen it'? Well, I found it. Well, I say I found it, I happened across it. Streets of Fire. So, I couldn't pass it up."

Me - *Bewildered because I've never heard him mention this movie... Ever.* "Okay."

IR - "Well, ya know, this is the one I've been wanting to see for a while now."

Me - "Good deal, but I don't remember ever hearing about that one."

IR - "Orilly? hm. Thought I'd mentioned it. Anyhow, I got it!"

Me - "............ So I hear."

And so I went back to my game of golf. [Tiger Woods 2005 is a must for any of you people who like golf games.]

*sigh* Here we go again.....

I thought he had gotten over this thing, but I've been proven incorrect.


I was making soup this afternoon, potato and steak. It's very tasty.
IR comes into the kitchen, grabs up a microwave bag of popcorn, looks at the stove and....


IR - "Cheese?"

Me - "..........."

*IR Looks harder, about 6 inches away now.*

IR - "Nooooooodles."

Me - "........ It's potato soup. There's not a noodle in it."

IR - "Oh. hm."

Then fires up his first lunch of the day, a scrumptious bag of nuclear popcorn.

You're getting warmer....

There was a tv show on this evening, in which a pair of characters were outside during winter complaining about the bitter cold.

At one point, it started snowing, to which IR said..

IR - "Well? It warms up once it starts snowing."


Now, I don't care if it really does warm up once snow starts to fall.....



He was talking to the TV again.

Let's have a debate, shall we?

I got home from work tonight to find IR down here with another of his God movies blaring on the TV. I walked past and sat down at the computer, grabbed my headphones and fired up some DOPE.







Nooo... The musical group DOPE, ya dope. Look'em up, pretty rockin stuff.

IR turned off the movie and went upstairs much to my relief. However, about a half hour ago he came back down and turned it back on.

Back go the headphones, and up goes the music...

Even with the music blarin I could hear IR talkin to and laughin at the TV. (What there was to laugh at I have no idea, but there it was...) I pulled one earpeice off to listen.

There was some Goderiffic narrator talking about some ancient city and IR was actually CORRECTING HIM!

Narrator - "Archeologists have found the remains of 30 cities on this site, each one built on top of the other."

IR - "No you idiot! They found 29!"

Narrator - "This site is said to be host to the future world ending battle known as 'The War of the Great Day Of God Almighty' ".

IR - "Man! Get something right! The 'Battle of Armageddon'! The Battle of ARMAGEDDON!!!"

There were a few more small ones, but the ones above were the ones that almost made me lose it. I think what happened was, IR started watching this, then went upstairs to 'research' it, only coming back down when he thought he had enough information to properly debate it with the TV.




*sigh*

Reparations... I wonder if I'm eligible...

I don't think I've ever run across someone that's as irritating to be around as IR. As of now, he sits behind me feeding his face, smacking every mouthful and doing some heavy breathing excercises in between.
He just fired up some God movie down here too. Not up in his cave like it should be. It's time for those cigars.

Earlier, when he came in, he asked about stuff he'd heard about Iraq.

IR - "Didja hear anything about Iraq today?"

Me - "Nothing more than the normal round of killings."

IR - "They said they just ran in and killed 100 insurgents, which I find impossible to believe. I mean, ya know, if they killed 100 insurgents, then they probably killed 900 civilians, right?"

Me - "Did they say they did?"

IR - "Well, no, but they're naturally not going to, ya know, report that."

Me - "So, what do you think changed? They've been doing more reporting on civilian deaths than any other for the last year. That's the nature of our liberal media."

IR - "Oh, well, that was before. Lately they haven't said anything about it, no doubt, ya know, to hide the true numbers of innocent people they kill."

Me - "That was before, what, exactly?"

IR - "Well, ya know, before the government told the reporters to stop reporting on that stuff, ya know, to help keep the, ya know, dissention here at home lessened."

Me - "When did they tell them that? I obviously missed it."

IR - "Well, you know they did, that's why we don't hear about it anymore."

Me - "Ohhhhh.. Gotcha."

Hey, I'm not TOTALLY insensitive...

I went out and did some shopping today, and got one of IR's favorite things in the whole wide world.


Viva paper towels by Kleenex.

Last time I bought'em he railed for 15 minutes about how absorbent and wonderful they were. During this shopping trip I figured, hey, it's been about 8 months now, I'll buy'em again.

So ya see, I'm not ALWAYS an asshole.



********************************************
On a side note, I was on ICQ last night with a good friend of mine and I thought I'd share some of the comments. (He lives across the parking lot from me, and knows IR personally.)

[21:53] xxhimxx: I See the IRB is BOOMIN!
[22:02] xxmexx: No shite..
[22:03] xxhimxx: you even have plenty of comments
[22:03] xxhimxx: AND DOUBTERS!!!
[22:03] xxhimxx: Amazing
[22:03] xxmexx: You wanna go dispel some of those doubters?
[22:03] xxhimxx: LOL
[22:04] xxhimxx: Ok

So, I expect you guys and gals will likely get some form of appraisal of the situation from him soon.

Early morning insanity.....

It seems that IR was up too late on "God-Watch" or something, and didn't go in to work today.

He thumped his way downstairs a few minutes ago, reaching the bottom step with a loud, annoying yawn.

IR - "EERRRRAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR... I guess I'll hang out here today."

Me - "Not gonna bother goin to work, huh?"

IR - "Well, it's not that I'm not gonna, ya know, bother. I was up kinda late doin some research."

Me - *Debates on whether to ask about what kind of research......... Decides, no.* "So, in other words, you're not gonna bother."

IR - "Well, ya know, I'm just really tired."

Me - "A result of your own actions though, right? Doesn't sound very fair to the people at work, does it."

IR - "Well, I wouldn't say they're all my actions, I take orders from a, ya know, higher place."

Me - "What, like extra fries and a coke?"

IR - "heeeeh heeeh heeeeeeeh Nooo, more like I was.... How can I say this... Well, I had this feeling of someone, or something wanting me to learn about Moses. Ya know, who he was and why he was chosen to lead God's people."

Me - "Ok, and did you learn what you needed to?"

IR - "I suppose I'll find out soon enough. I'll probably get another sign, or, ya know, feeling about it tonight."

Me - "At least tonight you won't have to worry about missing work tomorrow because of it."

IR - "hm."

My God, people!

8000 hits in one contigious 24 hour period.


Unbelievable that this thing is still running.

Welcome alldumb.com viewers

I woke up this morning to quite a shock. My official IRB counter had jumped from 850ish to 1700 in just a few hours. I looked into my admin section for the counter, and found that 99% of those excess hits were referring from alldumb.com.
I checked it out, and sure enough, there was my blog linked on the first page.

Since this morning, I've gathered almost 6000 total hits on the counter, and have spent more than a little time worrying if BlogSpot would pitch a fit about all the bandwidth suddenly being used.

So far though, nothing from BlogSpot, and no noticeable slowdown in performance since early this morning. Excellant!

Lower than protozoa....

Ole IR was down here most of the evening, watching a NOVA show about how the earth was formed and all that jazz. It included an advertisement regarding another show about "intelligent life in the Milky Way galaxy".

Upon hearing this comment from the announcer;

IR - "Intelligent life huh. Not, ya know, other intelligent life, but just intelligent life. I suppose we're not intelligent in thier eyes."

Me - "Huh? Oh, I guess not."

IR - "Well, there are some people around here that make protozoa look like Einsteins."

Me - "Yes..... Yes there are."

So, whadya think......

A pack of big ole stinky cigars, or a copy of the Satanic Verses for the coffee table...



Decisions decisions......

I need a cryptologist. Or, a brain surgeon.....

So here comes IR, back from a day of who knows what. He comes in with a ream of continuous feed paper and asks...

IR - "So, does anyone in your, ya know, circle of friends know anything about, ya know, cryptography or codes?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "Oh, well, hm. Take a look at this."

He proceeds to show me pages and pages of printout that's nothing but gobbeldy-gook. You know, like when your printer driver gets fouled up, or you use the wrong driver for your printer?

Me - "You know, that's nothing but a fouled up printer driver."

IR - "Driver? hm. hm. Well, ya know, it just kinda printed outta nowhere."

Me - "Ok. But it's still a fouled up driver. Why would you think you needed a cryptologist for that?"

IR - "Oh, well, it seemed to me like this might, ya know, mean something.

Me - "Yeah, it means someone on your network's got a fouled up printer driver."

IR - "Oh. hm. ................. hm."

And then he walked off. Now, my take on this is that somewhere in that addled brain of his, he got the idea that perhaps the 'aliens', or maybe God himself was trying to tell him something through a menagerie of garbled text from a printer.
How much farther can this possibly go??

Aliens? Spaceships? God? Is that you?

Ole IR has got himself a new hobby. It involves coming down from the cave 3-4 times a night, and walking outside.

Normally, nobody would care that someone just walks outside for a minute or so, then comes back inside. But, IR goes out there, stands in the middle of the parking lot and furtively searches the night sky for........ something.

He never says anything before going out, or after coming back in, just tromps down the stairs, out the door, then back up to the cave.




Weeeiirrd.....

I figured it wouldn't take long....

It's been, what, 1 day since IR quit smoking, and he came down tonight from the cave and immediately started waving his arms in front of himself and 'coughing'.

This is my damned house, and I didn't quit. Not gonna either, maybe it'll make his dumbass leave a little quicker.

The end of the IRB???

Wow, what an odd couple of days.

Since IR's fanatical transformation into a religious zealot, he has quit smoking and I believe quit the beer too.

Could this be the end?


Might this be the last entry into the somewhat, kinda, semi famous IRB?

















Nah. He's still got PLENTY of stupid left in him. :)


RED ALERT RED ALERT

The beer fridge is empty! I repeat, THE BEER FRIDGE IS EMPTY!!!!

3 cylinder?

So, some of you know that I bought a 'new' car a couplea weeks ago. A '94 Ford Probe GT, maroon in color, V6, power everything, and in pretty decent shape.

Well, I've found it necessary to do some replacement of a few parts in the engine area. (vacuum hoses, solenoids, etc) So, the other day, I had the hood up letting the engine cool off so I could replace one of the vacuum solenoids when IR showed up. I sat inside and watched him stop in front of the car, walk back and forth 4 or 5 times, leaning left and right with each stride.

Finally he came inside and......


IR - "Fixin the car?"

Me - "...........................................................yeah."

IR - "That's kindof a, ya know, odd engine. 3 cylinder?"

Me - "What?"

IR - "Well I, ya know, looked it over and all I could see was 3 spark plugs."

Me - "The 3 on the front, you mean."

IR - "Oh I see. There's 3 more, where... In the back?"

Me - *waits for a few seconds....* "Yeah."

IR - "Ohhhhhhhhh"

By the way....

Any religious theologists who want to weigh in on this stuff, feel free.
I consider IR's rantings to be complete lunacy myself, but if anyone wants to convince me that his interpretation of this stuff carries any merit, I'd like to hear it.

If there are to be any lengthy discussions involving this stuff, perhaps they would be better served ON THIS FORUM. *Link removed* I've always found that following replies in the format presented on blogs to be a little lacking in cohesiveness.

Rod Serling's around here somewhere.......

Cue the music...


"What do you do when the world around you collapses in on itself. One minute, you're a perfectly normal idiot, the next, you're a raving lunatic idiot. Somewhere between here, and there, you walk into, the IRB Zone."


I was informed last night that the anti-christ is already walking among us. He's here. He's alive. We know his name. We know where he is. The rapture is coming very, very soon. I won't bore you with the particulars of the attempted discussion, or with the unanswered question "If we know who, what and where he is, why is he still alive?" but in keeping with the old adage "If it's on the internet, it must be true.", I give you the latest URLs that were passed to me to prove IR's point.

OH woe is us. The anti-christ is here.

And the whirlpool goes deeper, and deeper....

So here I sit, minding my own damned bidness, and bonehead comes downstairs and says...

IR - "Hey, you get into the conspiracy theories much?"

Me - "No."

IR - "Ohh. hm. Well, look over this site, (hands over a small piece of notepad paper with THIS URL on it) it's got lotsa stuff about life on Mars, and the latin, ya know, text on our money."

Me - "You know that I'm really not interested in all that religious fanatacism, nor alien's rule our planet stuff."

IR - "Well, uhhh, I just want another, ya know, opinion on it."

Me - "I'll give it to you right now."

IR - "Well, heeeheeee eheeeee, you haven't seen it yet."

Me - "I know."

IR - *going towards stairs to escape what he knows is about to burst his little tin foil bubble* "Lemme know what you think."

Me - "Right!"


*EDIT* So, he came back down just now and...

IR - "So, you get to look at that site yet?"

Me - "Yep"

IR - "What'd ya think?"

Me - "Honestly? I think you're goin way overboard with all this crap."

IR - *Gives oratory on how it, ya know, must...uh.... have some, ya know, truth to it cause you couldn't get that many people to lie about it. The government of the US couldn't cover up all of the sightings and meetings with aliens and such.

I broke in once and said "You're right, the US gov. can't cover up all of that kind of stuff, so where's all the proof of these things happening outside the US? They just don't happen here, ya know. The US has no influence of any sort in Russia, or China, or North Korea, or france, so where's all the proof of thier meetings and sightings?"
His response was that "Well, I don't have access to newpapers and stuff from those countries."
I simply pointed to my computer. "It's all right there. So, where's the proof that the US government can't possibly cover up?" "Well, errm, uhhh, ya know, err, uhhh" was pretty much all I got. He passed me THIS NEW URL to back himself up. After I set it down on my desk for later filing in file 13, I said, "If you really like to read about all that lunacy, you oughta go find some Art Bell to read." He then told me "That's who that is! On that site I just gave you, that's who I'm telling you about."

That's a mighty big pit he's fallen into, there...

That's it.. He's lost it.

I am now officially afraid to have my children around IR. The deep end has come and gone for him, and I'm " " <--that close to sending him packing. Tonight he THUDS down the stairs and breathlessly reminds me of a story that he never told me.

IR - "You remember, uhh, how I told, pant pant, ya bout the African kids and the, uhhh, pant pant, alien??"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "Uhh. hm.hm. Well, anyhow, thought I told ya. Anyhow, pant pant, (here's where the story about a group of African kids "who have no reason to lie", were visited by an alien who told them "Don't get too advanced.", is relayed. I believe this is the story he must be flipping out about.)

The story was filled with too many "anyhow"'s to count, and a metric ton of "ya know"'s. I was reminded that they had no reason to lie, being kids and all, about 5 times throughout the story.

Then he excitedly shoves a printed out copy of THIS REPORT under my nose, stating that the 'vehicle' shown is exactly what was in his dream.
You DO remember the dream, right?
Well, it wasn't exactly like it, the one in his dream was a bit more rounded. *rolls eyes*

Couple this with him talking with his lunatic brother-in-law all the time now about all his whacky assed religious nonsense, and he's heading quickly towards either a mental breakdown, or finding himself looking for somewhere else to live, soon.

And down the stairs he comes.....

IR - "Well, the more I read into it the scarier it gets."


















Mmmkay...

Holeee cow.....

Just got in from work a short while ago, and noticed a plastic shopping bag on the floor next to IR's couch. I couldn't help but glance inside, and was absolutely amazed at what I saw.


1 five pound can of cashews (CHOOOOS)
1 five pound can of mixed nuts.
3 "Family Sized" boxes of Cracker Jacks
1 friggen HUGE bag of Cheetos (3 pounds if an ounce)
1 pound bag of Doritos
and 5, count'em, FIVE large "chunk" Hershey bars


Methinks there's going to be a lot of 'topping off' going on around here soon, which means I'll have to sit through numerous window rattling belches, hours worth of 'smick smack slerup smack smack' accompanied by the heavy breathing normally heard only in porn movies, many, many grunts as pounds of food are hoisted into his face, and who knows what else.



*sigh*

Oh for the love of pete..........

Who in the hell heckles the television set?

Isn't that sort of thing normally reserved for in person type things?

I didn't watch much of the political conventions this year, but the other night when Laura Bush was going to speak, I wanted to hear what she was gonna say. IR had rooted himself to his couch (with a mighty grunt) and I swear to you he never shut up during the entire speech.
I have no idea what 2/3rds of the things she said in the first 5 minutes were. What I heard went something like this....


Laura Bush - "Thank you, everyone for..."
IR - "Oh here we go. HERE we go. She's gonna do an hour of "Thank you's". What is this, the Grammys??"
Laura Bush - " George and I were...
IR - "Oh, now she's gonna pump him up like he's some kinda hero or somethin. What's she gonna say, that he was heroic for killing terrorists or for not going to Vietnam?"
Laura Bush - "...and I believed with what he said about..."
IR - "Oh, of course you agreed! You're his wife, what're you gonna do, DISAGREE? heeee he eheheeeeee"
Laura Bush - "I remember back when George and I were on the campaign trail..."
IR - "You were never on the campaign trail! I never saw you anywhere!!"
Laura Bush - "...Governor of Texas. We drove for hours, days...."
IR - "Whatdya mean WE drove?"


And so on..... and so on...... and so on....................................

I gave up in disgust about 5 minutes into it and went and found an internet feed I could listen to with my headphones. The idiot was still yakkin at the TV a half hour later.

So I found it funny.... Sue me.

Noticed tonight that the cable was goin kinda slow, so naturally I went and reset the cable modem, not thinking of what might be goin on up in the cave.


About 5 seconds after total disconnect, I hear...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! FUCKIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"




I almost lost it laughin. I bet he was goin on a long wookie trek or hunt with some other asshats or somethin.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

For the first time, EVER, IR washed his dishes right after using them!!!




It was a glorious day for IRdom until it was noticed that there was still a weeks worth of his dishes that remained in the other side of the sink.

Now, why didn't I think of that??

Last night, I explained to IR why the AC kept fouling up. In very plain language, making sure to speak v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, I explained how the inside fan would for some reason stop blowing while the compressor outside continued to run. This makes the lines between the 2 freeze up and the entire system is fouled up until it thaws out.

So, this evening, he comes downstairs for the feeding©, and says...

IR - "I think I figured out why the AC keeps freezing up. The compressor, ya know, keeps uhhh, running after the fan inside stops. Then it all ices up, ya know, and freezes up the compressor."

"NO WAY!" I exclaim. *pause* "Isn't that the exact same thing I told you last night?"

IR - "Hm. Well.... hm. I thought you meant the fan stopped running?"

Me - "Isn't that what you just said?"

IR - "Oh. Well, yeah, I guess so."




You have no idea how hard it is for me to keep from just goin "DUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH??" and doing the tard dance at him every day.

Topping off...

Well, tonight I finally had to ask. I've seen too much gluttony not to.

Me - "I have to ask this. How, since you eat so much damned food in the first place, can you open up a huge can of cashews or a 2 pound bag of Doritoes and continue to chow down?"

IR - "Oh, just topping off the meal. I don't like to feel, ya know, hungry because I didn't get full."





Holeee shat. Picture this, would ya?

A dinner plate, completely covered 3 stacks deep with fish sticks.
or
2 hamburgers, a pile of tater-tots covering the rest of the plate.
or
A bowl containing 2 cans of chili and between 4 and 8 pieces of bread.



Who wouldn't be filled up by any 1 of those? I would've said a sumo wrestler before seeing IR work on some food.

*EDIT* I guess it doesn't hurt to have a huge square gut hanging about 18 inches out in front of you either, does it?

THUDTHUDTHUDTHUD Pizza?

Ordered pizza tonight. Told wookie boy it would be here at about 9:30. He thudded up to the cave to get his wookie on in the meantime.
Pizza arrived, I yelled up there twice (hearing my voice ringing off the stalagtites) and grabbed a few slices.

........time passes..........


10:45 rolls around and....

IR - THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD - "Pizza get here?"

Me - "Yup"

IR - "O-rilly? What time?"

Me - "Bout an hour and a half ago."

IR - "O-rilly? Hm. hm. Figures."

Me - "I yelled up there twice."

IR - "Oh. Damned Bantha's make too much noise. "

Ooh.. It's an AMERICAN!

IR came down from the cave earlier, just after Michael Phelps had won one of his gold medals in the olympics and was on the medal stand. The national anthem was playing, and....




IR - "Listen to THIS!" (Hearing the anthem)

a few seconds pass.....

IR - "Ohhhhh... It's an American. No wonder!"





No, I'm NOT kidding.

Now THAT'S interesting......

A long while back, just after IR moved in, one of the stories he told me in an effort to convince me of his brilliance was that at a little burger joint in Texas that he used to frequent (what're the odds of breakfast, lunch and dinner?) he 'created' a new burger.

This was the burger of all burgers. Double patty, double cheese, grilled onions, bacon and chili. He called it "The Heartstopper". He explained how he ordered it everyday for weeks, and finally found (cornered) the manager and told him about this magnanimous meal. Apparently, the manager was so completely impressed by this whole presentation that he put it on the menu after telling IR what a genius he was.


Fast forward to tonight, and a virtual repeat of the same story, again........

Only this time, there's a twist! This time, it was a burger place employee that told him about the "Heartstopper". Told him that he'd been bringin one home every night for months. (He had to weigh 600 pounds, if an ounce...)

So, it would seem as though good ole IR STOLE the idea of the "Heartstopper", took credit for it being placed on a menu at some hole in the wall burger joint somewhere in Texas, and accepted lauds for his 'genius' in doing so.

Just pitiful..........

I made a terrible mistake tonight....

Was chatting with a friend on ICQ, and he was reading through some of the utter insanity on the DU forum. I went and checked it out, and I have to tell you people...


5 minutes in that place, reading that unfathomable stupidity is like 3 hours in the company of wookie boy. It's entirely unbelievable that people like that are allowed to breed.




But then again, we do need tards like those people to make the rest of us look even better, eh? ;)

Ok, let's say your cave gets hot.....

What do you want to do? Cool it off, right?

How do you go about cooling it off? You remove the hot air, right?

Now, here's your multiple choice question.

Where do you remove the hot air to?

a) Use a fan to blow it out the window. (Window is screened, so no bugs to worry about.)

b) Use a fan to blow it into the rest of the dwelling through your open door.





Do the math.

Oh those whacky Olympics....

IR - "Ya know, you should watch the olympics if you haven't been. Team USA got thier asses kicked by the Iraqi's or somethin. I thought they were supposed to, ya know, dominate like in uhhh.. '88."


*I'm not sayin SHITE!*


IR - "I wonder how John Kerry, ya know, woulda done the whole Iraq thing? I bet he would've gone over there himself and handed Saddam the keys to his, ya know, SUV."


*WTF??*

I removed his "water bottle" from the fridge today. He finally cleaned his mess up this morning, and by this afternoon the shite had leaked all over the place again. Some people simply don't get it..

Al Gore Jr.

Today in Louisiana, it's unseasonably cool. In fact, being the middle of August, it's oddly cool. This of course, can be attributed to the cool front that moved down on us from the northeast, as well as the appearance of 2 hurricanes south and southeast of us.
So, this morning I get treated to...

IR - "Man, that global warming is really wreaking, ya know, havoc on us, huh?"

Me - "Uhhh.. What?"

IR - "Well, ya know, that's the only explanation for it being cool like this. It's obvious that we, as humans, have done something horrible to this planet to create such a, ya know, problematic weather system."

Me - "Uhhh... What?"

IR - "Well, youknowwhutI'msayin, right? It shouldn't be possible for us to have this kinda of, ya know, weather, unless we've done something to screw it up, right?"

Me - "Holy shit.... Go to work...."

IR - "hm.. Well, think about it."

Me - "..............."

Dude... You gonna clean that up?

So a week or so ago, wookie boy gleefully showed off this "Refridgerated Water Delivery System" he bought.

It's a water bottle.

With a spout.

It's one that fits along one wall of the fridge, and goes front to back so it'll hold a gallon.

Problem A: The name. Only someone with the mentality of "OOOOOOOOOOOOOooo SHINEY!" would ever buy such a thing.

Problem B: The spout. It sits over the front edge of the shelf, right next to.... You guessed it.. The door.

He filled it with tea. With probably half of the sugar from the 5 pound bag in the cupboard.

When the door is closed and the "RWDS" isn't pushed all the way to the back wall, the little protrusion of the door shelf hits the spout just barely, causing it to drip.
What we had after only a few days was brown sticky tea drippings all down the inner door, in the bottom right crisper drawer, and a puddle of the crap on the bottom shelf above the crisper.

I kinda thought that moving all my drinks to the top shelf, (leaving the bottom one empty with it's pool of sticky tea) would be a broad enough hint to clean up the shit.

Then I thought that pulling the Cokes out of the soaked box and leaving it's misshapen, wet form on top of the garbage can might do the trick.

Finally, I had to actually tell this idiot to do it.

Me - "You gonna make any attempt to clean up that mess your tea made in the fridge?"

IR - *Looks compliant and concerned* "Oh, oh yeah. It'll just take some hot water and paper towels. I'll take care of it."

Then, this moron proceeds to stuff his face, and head right up to the cave, never touching his farkin mess.

How much are hitmen these days?

Get OVER it already.........

IR - "So, you haven't been tempted to download the, ya know, Star Wars Galaxies demo yet?"

Me - ".................no."

IR - "Hm. Well, I thought you might've, ya know, changed your mind about it."

Me - ".................no."

How does this work again?

Sometimes..... Don't ya wish you could redirect a train into someone's head?

I know I do.

So, there I was, mindin my OWN damned bidness, and wookie boy comes downstairs to tell me;

"uhhh.. There's a laptop down there (points to floor behind my chair). This guy at work wants it cleaned up, tuned up, make sure all the, ya know, extensions work for all the programs, clean all the crap off of it and make sure all the software, ya know, works. He said he'll pay you $30."

W...

T...

F...

???

First of all, I'M the only one that brings home work for me to do.
Secondly, I'M the only one that decides how much I'll charge for said work.

Screw that crap.......

Strange fascination....

I'm tellin ya. Ole IR has some odd fascination with pinning me down about something, anything I suppose. He's tried doing it several times before, one in particular about one morning when my car wouldn't start. (You'd have to see my car to understand.....) I had to call a friend to ask for a lift somewhere. A few minutes later, IR comes around the corner with a big ole shit eating grin on his face and says something along the lines of;

IR - "I couldn''t help but, ya know, overhear you telling him that your car wouldn't, ya know, start.. heeeehe eheeeeeeeh"

Me - "Yeah, and?"

IR - "heeeeeh heeeeeeeh ehheeeeeeeh Well, I mean, "it won't start", huh? heeeeh hheeeeeeeeeh heeehe heeehh"

Me - "If you'd like to try it yourself, here're the keys."

IR - "Oohhhh.. heeehh eheh heeeeeeh ................. You really meant that it won't start?"

Me - "..........."


But this time, it was just about what I had for lunch. You see, the other day, when IR was burning his teflon laden gruel on the stove, it was a particular brand of canned gumbo from a company called "Blue Runner". (There's lots of things to eat out of a can, but gumbo really shouldn't be on the list, even from a fine company like Blue Runner...) Today, I went into my hidden stash and got some Blue Runner Creole Style Red Beans, seasoned'em up the way they're supposed to be and mixed them in with some rice. It was a good lunch. About 1/2 hour later, IR ventures down from the cave and into the kitchen, looking for his next multi-poundage meal. After a minute, he sticks his head around the corner and announces,

IR - "I see you enjoyed some of that gumbo, huh?"

Me - "Huh?"

IR - "You had gumbo for lunch, huh?"

Me - "Nope."

IR - "Hm. hm."

Then he goes back into the kitchen. I was feeling none too charitable this time, so I asked...

Me - "What made you think I had gumbo for lunch?"

IR - "Oh, well, I just thought I, ya know, smelled it in here."

Me - "That's kinda odd since I haven't touched gumbo in a couplea years."

IR - "hm. Oh well, guess I was wrong."

Me - "Yup, guess so. You should try actually looking at the label on the can in the garbage. It'll tell you what I had without even having to ask."

IR - "hm... .... hm..."

You see, I already knew exactly why he asked. The can I opened and left emptied in the garbage can looked exactly like his from the other day. So he saw it, and decided to try and call me on it using his l337 assumptive powers.

What a maroon......

I think I've got dain bramage now....

Got home from work earlier today, checked email, played a little Doom 3, then went upstairs to gather my clothes for washing.
At the top of the stairs I could hear music of some sort. As I reached the top step, it became clear what kind of music it was...


Chicka chicka rewr rewr - beow beow <-- cue 70's style pr0n music






I've still got a case of the heebie-jeebies....

Oh meh Gawd.......

IR cranked up the stove last night to actually cook something. Of course, it ended up being something dumped out of a can, but that's beside the point.
I figured he'd just gone into the kitchen to get more fishsticks out of the omnipresent 500 count bag he gets at the local warehouse food place (lasts about a week, that does), until I heard the stove click on. Quietly, I opened the AC room door, retrieved the fire extinguisher and placed it next to my desk. After about 10 minutes of his rustling, thudding around and grunting (takes a lot of muscle to open a can, lemme tell ya) he seemed to finally get whatever it was in the pot and on the stove. Then the waiting game........ I hear the 'sssss' of boiling something-or-other, then something being dumped into it, then a metal spoon scratching around stirring the contents of the now semi teflon coated, used-to-be-non-stick pot. After a minute or so of that, he seemed to just sit back and watch it. 5 minutes later, I start smelling something burning and gently reach down to feel the reassuring coolness of the fire extinguisher tank next to my leg. Finally, he decides that it's created enough stench and turns the stove off and serves himself up.
Sitting down behind me on the couch, I am treated to a litany of smacks, slurps and grunts as the spoon reaches his gaping maw again and again until finally...
IR - "You oughta get you a bowl of this."

Me - "Nooo thanks. I ate already."




So I lied.


So sue me.

The new toy....

IR went out and bought a new DVD player today. He even waited until I was watching TV (not with my back to the door) before he went back out to his car and brought it in. Making a grand show of stopping to read the box in several places while uttering plenty of "hm. hm..'s", he proceeded to place it in a highly noticeable spot right next to the stairs. He never actually spoke out loud about it, as I believe he was attempting to get me to ask about it. 6 hours later, at approximately 11pm, and without a word spoken about it, he finally came down out of the cave to retrieve it. This time, he turned the overhead light on and verbalized several more slightly louder "HM.. HM.'s" while re-reading something on the box. I never even turned my head, much to his dismay I'm sure. hehe Then, off to the cave it went.

Yes, it could be characterized as rude, but I wasn't in the mood for psychological games.


*ps- I also thought, when I first saw what it was, that he had bought it to try to put down here on my TV. He's complained more than once about the X-Box's inability to fast forward through the credits at the beginning of some dvds, so I was expecting some sort of convincing speech about why we should put this one down here. You know, like "Well, ya know, I figured we could save the wear and tear on the X-Box and just use this for, ya know, movies, since it's more geared towards, ya know, games." or something. We'll see..........

John Kerry = War hero?

So there he was, sitting on the couch, picking his nose (No, I'm NOT kidding...) and watching some of the DNC coverage on the news (along with plenty of reporter commentary). He turns my direction, and........

"So, this uhhh.. John Kerry guy. He's a war hero. I mean, he is a, real, ya know, war hero. I mean, Bush is history. There's uhhh.. no way he can win now, since he never, ya know, really served. yaknowwhuimsayin? I mean, he was in the National Guard or somethin, but he, ya know, never showed up. So I'm afraid that we're about to have 4 years of John Kerry. If not, ya know, 8."




Oh....

My.....

God.....

Sorry, but I'm not ABOUT to get into trying to explain all this stuff to him. I'll just leave it to you to decide whether or not the media's "job" is being done...

Oh come on...............

Just remembered this one too, happened about a year ago.. Bad-mojo, my inspiration for writing this blog in the first place, was a witness to this.

First, you have to understand that I have no fashion or decorating sense, and I'm not well off, so I make do with what I can. In this case, it happens to be a bath towel of mine covering the glass part of the back door to the townhouse. (As opposed to shades or blinds.) It's a white bath towel, and I wash it every so often so it doesn't start lookin ratty. Well, I came home one day after helpin Mojo pack for his move to N. Carolina, and noticed several large black splotches on the towel which was still hangin over the door. I looked closer and they were simply large, heavy, black smudges. I turned to ask IR if he knew what had happened to the towel. He turned and with a big smile said, "heeh heeeeeh heeeeeh Well, I was kinda cleanin the kitchen, and didn't feel like lookin for a wash cloth, so I just grabbed that one. heeeh heeeeh eheeeeeeh"

"Uhhhhhh... No." I say. "You've got to be kidding me.". He tried to provide more explanation, but I don't recall what it was. I had to wash that damned thing 3 times to get the stains out.

Follow those actions, would ya? Gonna clean the kitchen (still hard for me to believe that one), then, cause it's too much work to look for the proper items to clean with, gonna grab a towel that's covering a window on a door. Next, supposedly clean the kitchen. Finally, put the filthy towel back over the window instead of in the friggen washing machine and washing it!

Un-effing-believable....

Psychotic... I'm tellin ya.

Well you can see my previous post and what it entailed, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna try to give you more than a brief description of the utter insanity that followed.
IR described his dream despite my indifference, and his verbage lasted for almost an hour. The physchotic tendencies shown were frightening to say the least.

Briefly;

"I believe this dream, since I've had it before, ya know, is trying desperately to show me something. There's a meteor shower or something that's destroying earth or whatever planet I'm on, ya know, and anyhow, there's these ships that come down and, like, ya know, there's this light, and everything goes, ya know, black, yaknowwhutI'msayin? So I'm beamed to this space station, or I travel there aboard the, ya know, ship and all the creatures there are, how can I say this, well, they're human, but I'm not sure if they're humans from my timeline or not. I may be dreaming this part in my dream, since everything is black, but I've got this, ya know, feeling that they're all human, yaknowwhutI'msayin? But I've got this feeling of nothing but respect. Pure respect. Nothing else. Anyhow, we're on this space station, and we're assigned the tasks we're going to perform, ya know, from now on. So then we're, ya know, transported to this planet, and ya know those cardboard houses? The ones that are made outta cardboard or some type of material, yaknowwhutI'msayin?, and they've got like this, ya know, dome shape? Well, I'm assigned one of those to live in, and given my job assignment. And there's these huge, ya know, planets orbiting around the moon or whatever planet I'm on, I mean HUGE planets, like they're right outside our atmosphere. You can see on thier surfaces all kinds of these wierd shapes or, symbols, that somehow have distinct meaning, like I know what they mean. And there's a ring of those space stations, like the one I was, ya know, on before, in a crescent shape all around my planet."

Man, there was so much more nonsense interjected in the midst of all that, I can't possibly type it all in. (Much less remember it all...) Emphasis is added where it was given verbally, and everything is paraphrased as best I could recall it. I honestly got the feeling that he believed in this dream and that it was some sort of prophetical vision.
Personally, I see it as a psychotic conglomerate of some of the movies he watches constantly. (He has hundreds....) Pitch Black, Starship Troopers, Signs, Independance Day, and a few more that I can't recall the names of.

Dreams....

IR - "Do ya ever have dreams that seem like prophecies?"

Me - "I almost never remember my dreams, if I have them at all."

IR - "Do ya ever have recurring dreams?"

Me - "..............."

IR - "You know what my dream was about?"

Me - "............."

It's a new record!!!

I decided tonight to time it.

It being, how long it took IR to bolt downstairs upon smelling food.

52 seconds from the time it left the microwave. I made some potato and garlic soup, knowing the smell would drift upstairs. I had barely made it to the table when I hear;

THUD...... THUD.... sniffsniff sniffsniff sniff.... THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD

IR - "Hm. sniffsniff Mashed potatoes?"

Me - ".............."

IR - "... Well, want some cold chicken?"

Me - "I've uh... Got, dinner.. See?"

IR- "Ohhhh... I see! Soup?"

Me - "No thanks, got some."

IR - "Hm. ...Hm."

He then proceeded to grunt his way into the kitchen to fetch his bucket o'cold chicken, then groan his way to the couch to scarf it.


*I have mentioned that almost every movement of his is accompanied by a grunt or a groan of exertion, haven't I?

Pretty slow business for this blog lately....

But, I really can't complain. It's been blissfully quiet since apparently IR has forgone many of his late night scarfings, and settled for one single dinner fit for 3.
I strongly suspect though, that he's got another 5 pounds of CHOOOOs up there in the cave, as well as assorted other munchies measured in pounds.

Well, back to your regularly scheduled surfing then, there's nothing more to see here.

Till next time!!

Dancing. More dangerous than you think....

Last night I heard a pretty big CRASH from upstairs, and hearing nothing afterwards but some shuffling around, figured IR had knocked something off his wookie desk or something.

Later, after he made his way downstairs for one of his nightly scarfings, I found out the truth.

During a rousing game of Star Wars Galaxies, in which his dancer character somehow got involved in a fire fight, (figure that one out, eh.. Pirouette reverse back dodge into arabesque firing position 2?) , he got somewhat animated in his physical defense of his french like cyber-character and fell out of his chair. He even had the large scratch on his knee to prove it. (From the corner of the desk as he tumbled floorward.)

Lazy, personified.....

This actually happened a while back, but I just remembered to post it.

One day, IR came in from shopping and took great pride in showing me one of his aquisitions. 2 packages, one with 36 metal spoons and the other with 36 metal forks inside. Normal, everyday eating utensils. Now, understanding IR's sense of utter and complete slackability when it comes to doing his dishes, I had to ask, "This isn't just 72 more things to throw in the sink before you have to wash your dishes, is it?"
The response was priceless. "Uhhh.. Hm. .... Hm.. Uhhh.. ..........I guess you're right." then the inevitable tossing into the secondary utility drawer unopened. All I could do was shake my head and walk away.

An apparently religious experience....

Well, IR got home, and immediately started yakking about some pretty useless stuff tonight. HUGE 12" straws at CircleK and how they'd put someone's eye out, the idea that John Kerry has become "an African without the hyphen American".

But finally I got treated to a story about his brother in law, who is some kind of wannabe religious fanatic. His 'thing' is to pick apart everything about the bible as "he reads it".

Tonight, he was apparently all worked up about someone in Texas finding a petrified footprint of a dinosaur that had a human footprint inside it. (Dinosaurs came before humans, as far as all the scientific stuff i've read says....) But, this was absolute fanatical proof that dinosaurs and humans lived at the same time.

The conversation went something like this.

IR - "I was talkin with my brother in law about this footprint they found in, ya know, Texas. It was petrified of course. It had a, ya know, human footprint inside it though, which.... how can I say this... Well, it completely disproves the idea that humans and dinosaurs never lived at the same time."

Me - "Really? So, it couldn't have been that the dinosaur footprint was made in a compound of clays or something, that never fully petrified by the time humans got here, and got wet or something before it got stepped in again?"

IR - "Uhhh... Ummmm.... Hm. Hmm... Well, if it was a hundred million years or so, ya know, it would've petrified."


Me - "That's quite possible, but it assumes that you believe the theoretical scientific timeline given for the earth's lifespan thus far. It also assumes that what's seen is actually a dinosaur footprint, and not one of some large alligator or other reptilian that's survived all this time."

IR - "Hm.. Hm. Well, at least it proves something."

Me - "What's that?"

IR - "Well, ya know, that dinosaurs were around either before or during the time that humans first showed up."






So that's proof???? Holy crap.....

Today's "called" items.....

Let's see.. So far we have;

1) Bread in the bread maker.

IR "What's that, raisin?"
Me "Nope"
IR "Ohhhh.. Blueberry!"
Me "No."
Finally he looks at the box that's about 2 feet from his head.


2) Game I'm playin on the computer.

IR "Hm hm World War II Online?"
Me ".................Flight Simulator." (btw, it was an F-14 Tomcat I was flyin, in 3rd person view)
IR "Ohhhhh"

3) The cheesecake on the counter.

IR "Where'd you get this AngelFood cake?"
Me "I don't have any AngelFood cake."
IR "Oh.. hm. hmm. Poundcake, huh?"
Me "*heavy sigh* No."
IR "Hm. Ohhh I see! Cheesecake!"